A fence, at its simplest, is a line. It is the definition of desire. On one side, there is what we want; on the other side, what we don't. What belongs, what does not belong; accepted, unacceptable. Of course, more than a line, a fence is also a barrier. It not only designates, it separates. It ensures no mixing, no mingling, no internecine traffic. A fence is not unlike an ocean: over here, the island of us; over there, the island of them. Except that a fence, unlike an ocean, can be moved. You can put it where you see fit. Likewise, if a location is unacceptable, a fence can be removed. And where are you then? How can two distinct classes exist - food, bad, desirable, undesirable - if there is nothing to delineate them?

- Out of Eden, Alan Burdick


this, my friends, is from the book i read for bio

+ posted by M @ 5:58 AM

...	Friday, February 06, 2009

Simply knowing you exist ain't good enough for me
But asking for your telephone number
Seems highly inappropriate

Seeing as I can't
even say hi
when you walk by

And that time you shook my hand it felt so nice
I swear I've never felt this way about any other guy
and I never usually notice people's eyes but..

I conducted a plan
To bump into you most accidentally
but I was walking along
and I bumped into you
much more heavily than I'd originally planned.
It was well embarrassing and
I think you thought that I was a bit of a twat

I just think that we'd get on
Oh I wish I could tell you face to face
instead of singing this stupid song
but yeah I just think that we might get on

So I went to that party
everyone they were kind of arty
And I was wearing this dress
'cause I wanted to impress
But I wasn't sure if I looked my best
'cause I was so nervous
But I carried on regardless
strutting through each room
trying to find you

And when I saw you kissing that girl
My heart, it shattered
and my eyes, they watered
and when I tried to speak I stu-uttered

And my friends were like "Whatever,
you'll find someone better,
his eyes are way too close together
and we never even liked him from the start.
And now he's with that tart,

and I heard she'd done some really nasty stuff
down in the park with Michael.
He said she's easy
and if your guys with someone that's sleazy
then he ain't worth your time
cause you deserve a real nice guy"

So I proceeded to get drunk and to cry
I locked myself in the toilets for the entire night

Saturday night, I watch Channel 5
I particularly like CSI
I don't ever dream about you and me
I don't ever make up stuff about us
that would be considered insanity

I don't ever drive by your house to see if you're in
I don't even have an opinion on that tramp
that you are still seeing

I don't know your timetable
I don't know your face off by heart
but I must admit that there is still a part of me
that still thinks that we might get on
we might get on

this is more or less my song right now, though i'm hoping the ending won't be quite as tragic.

+ posted by M @ 2:47 PM

...	Tuesday, February 03, 2009

so right now i'm reading about lesbian musicians and waiting to make myself a cup of tea.

and i'm thinking about something chelsea shared with me yesterday. for those of you who have not been updated about my life (and there are many, since i hardly blog now), i'm assisting a professional costume designer this quarter. she is immensely talented, and i've got this whole slightly creepy 'please-be-my-mentor' admiration thing going on. i want to Be Her when i grow up basically. she's quirky, and funny, lives with her sound designer boyfriend she met in college and her apartment is lovely and filled with various teapots and she has a small but cosy studio to work in. of course i'm presuming i know about her life when really i don't, i just know what i see, but still... everyone needs something to aspire to.

anyway it has been wonderful assisting her and thrifting with her, i've learnt a lot, not just about costuming but about various little projects going on in chicago and lots of random but intriguing information. for instance, there was this amazing production that happened called 'Noir' and the designers basically presented it as a noir film on stage. meaning they made sure it was lighted in such a way that all the characters, even their skin tones were in shades of gray like a noir film! the costume designer even found pieces of candy that colored the insides of your mouth a dark gray/black and had her actors eat them before the show. to see, photos here (http://www.buildingstage.org/photos/index.php?album=noir&image=noir7.jpg). it's absolutely stunning.

yesterday she told me how she likes to listen to NPR while drawing, and she listens to some bio/life program in particular which is geared especially towards non-sciencey people, so they can understand it. and the podcast was about erasing specific memories from a person, and so far a rape victim has used it to overcome her PTSD, and apparently it's working. the process is very much similar to Eternal Sunshine, where you are made to evoke certain memories and then zapped at that precise time. can you believe it? in a way it's like strengthened prozac almost, since i feel prozac works like a lock ... it locks up things that scare you and make you anxious, and even when you try to access them, you can't. i've tried thinking about the things that scared me and i find i either can't do it intensely, or i am so detached from them it's like those things happened to a person other than myself.

but at the end of it all, is erasing memory really a good thing? i guess it is just fascinating and sad at the same time how much of us is tied to our memories, which are ethereal and inaccurate things sometimes.

+ posted by M @ 12:19 AM

...	Sunday, February 01, 2009

winter in chicago

e: i'm glad i didn't go to school in california. or else i would be outside playing frisbee right now. and that's not what life is. no, life is not four years of vacation.
m: i've been thinking about LA a lot these few weeks.
e: yeah, me too. those bitches.

+ posted by M @ 9:50 AM