it's been a year, i can't really get to sleep.

every year i promise myself the same things. but back in the familiar toil of Singapore, it's hard to remember what i'm in Chicago for.

when i was first in chicago, trying so hard to make it on my own, to find my nook - i told myself, 'be selfish. you've got to be more selfish, or you'll never survive.' and now that i'm finally feeling stable on my own i'm still left with a mantra i should have shed as soon as i found comfort in independence. i'm selfish, selfish about the people i love, selfish with my time, selfish with myself, but most of all selfish about my dreams.

and what dreams do i have? i'm not even sure anymore. i just want to be happy, and i don't think i've felt truly happy in a very long time. there aren't many reasons why i shouldn't be happy. i've got everything, people like to say.

happiness is a state of mind. so that's my one resolution for the new year, to be happy.

a lot has been happening at home, and i feel responsible and i feel like i've missed so much. and i don't want to stay, i don't want to come back but i feel selfish for it.

the truth is, i'm scared of many things, and i'm not sure how to overcome these fears. that's always been my problem, i don't know how to overcome fear. here's to a year without fear, a year full of living, and a year of trying my damndest to come out of 2009 happy and alive.

+ posted by M @ 3:48 AM