disappointed. that's how i've been feeling lately and that's how i felt today.

angela kept making digs at the CO girls throughout the whole weekend, and basically she does it all the time. i thought they would prove her wrong. i thought they would prove that they were actually thinking, sensible individuals. i guess i was wrong.

the minute the presentation started they decided to give angela a hard time and i could see the word 'disinterested' written all over their faces. angela can be annoying, but must you make her more nervous than she already is? my disappointment was more than just them acting catty, it was because they just didn't seem to want to hear what we had to say.

maybe our paper wasn't as interesting as i thought it was, although when i was writing it i really felt it was worth listening to and reading. bea says that perhaps they didn't bother to listen because they felt it wasn't important or exam-related, but that's not how i feel literature should be. is literature about exams? this may sound silly, but i was so into the literature symposium because i thought it would really be grounds where all of us could exchange views and discuss ideas about literature - be it julius caesar, oedipus rex or 1984.

i guess i want people to love it as much as mr tang wants us to love physics, and i can understand his disappointment now when he checks his website frequently and finds that we really don't care.

i think i'm asking too much. i can't expect everyone to be passionate about literature, i can't expect them to want to listen and learn about non-examined material, and i think i just can't expect them to think. but i'm so disappointed because these CO girls are actually nice. i know some of them, they say hi to me sometimes, including anne marie. and i wonder when i present if they're going to treat me the same way they did angela.

we're all ruled by prejudice.

i'm disappointed in myself for various reasons. my grades haven't been stellar even though i said i'd try harder - but i'm not. i'm still slacking, still falling asleep, still not clearing my room. and all i can think of is wanting to get away from this 'air-conditioned' society. i'm disappointed in myself because i haven't been thinking more about others.

today my dad fainted. i wasn't even there because i was sleeping in my room when i was supposed to be studying physics. i heard faith crying her loudest ever, but i just dismissed it as one of her tantrums and went back to sleep. what if anne hadn't been there? then none of them would have been able to call my mom and relay the message to her properly. and it would all have been because i was so indifferent to my baby sister's cries. he's fine now, his doctor friends came over to see him. he was just feeling faint because he hadn't eaten the whole day and he went for his fitness test today. but if he'd gone without me even being there, i would never be able to forgive myself. i think i've been a very lousy daughter, only feeling angsty and not doing anything to help myself. only wallowing in my own depression and self-pity and not thinking about how hard my dad works. and just ignoring him whenever he tells me very kindly to study.

i'm also disappointed in some of my friends. the way they don't seem to treasure my friendship at all makes me feel so unimportant to them. i'm disappointed that none of my friendships have ever really worked out. i'm disappointed that they remain superficial. but what right do i have to be disappointed? in fact, do any of us have a right to be disappointed?

why do we get disappointed? maybe because we expected something that was never there in the first place.

+ posted by M @ 8:18 PM