now that kazaa people of the world are being sued, i will have to get out and find the latest ash album.

oh i'm so tired and happy at the same time i could burst [and naturally semi-digested sushi would spill out].

prelims. are. over. over. over, baby. time for chickflicks, lido popcorn and sushi buffet [no, actuallly, no more].

gorged myself silly at sakae today. GORGED. GORGED. gorge. i forgot how many plates we ordered, but i got so stuffed i really felt quite sick. and i had the idea green tea ice cream would help but i felt so sick that i couldn't finish that too. result of not eating from last night till four today. meant to have a snack but was so caught up with hugh jackman in kate and leopold that forget all hunger pangs.

she's all that. i need to watch she's all that. or never been kissed. yes, need to watch both a third/fourth? time.

i think everyone has gotten sick of seeing me swoon over the bachelor [andrew firestone], orlando bloom, johnny depp, josh hartnett, daniel [do you know that josh hartnett's middle name is DANIEL], colin firth and anyone good looking enough.

fluff fills my mind. everyday i think nice fluffy thoughts, want to do nice fluffy things and want to have a generally, fluffy life. what happened to my teenage angst? out the window, i suppose.

outing ended on rather sordid note today. dawn and i were so stoned after the sakae lunch -stuff gossip stuff gossip stuff with a heart wrenching story- we went browsing at borders and finally decided to share a cab.

in the cab, started getting very cryptic. dawn started talking about waiting - which fascinates me [as you can see from blog title]. we spend our whole lives waiting for some things, and when they come, we wait for other things or the consequences that come with waiting and it just goes on and on and on. sometimes we don't even know what we are waiting for and so life passes, an endless cycle of being stood up or waiting some more.

of course Christians know we are waiting for judgement day, for our time to have eternal life, but still, we are waiting. i think that it is, again, up to you. there are somethings that are probably well worth the wait - true [romantic] love, is worth waiting an entire lifetime for, even if it means you only spend a day with that one person. and yet, we don't know what true love is, which is why we're waiting for it, to know it for what it is. and what if it doesn't come? what if it disappoints us? after all, we don't know what it really is, we just have contrived images of roses and kisses in the rain. but there's always hope, and if we should really see the day when what we're waiting for has come - it will be exactly as we would have wanted it to be, although in our fantasy every single detail is conflicting with reality.

you could see it as waiting aimlessly, stupidly or wanting, hoping, wishing for something more, something to make you complete. and what will life be if we ceased wanting things? would the very value of our life dissolve? the driving force might come to a halt. yes, if we only WANTED things. but if we needed things - life would have a meaning. we need love, faith and hope. we don't really need a degree, we don't really need a million dollars and that skirt we've been eyeing, we don't need all these things in order for us to love. that is what is so amazing about us, our ability to be self sufficient. all we really need is a pure heart full of love, then one can truly live.

what is the meaning of life? i've given up trying to answer that question a long time ago because i end up talking in circles.

today at church it was rather sleepy. i mean, i was. it was a 'who is Jesus?' lesson conducted by cherie and john. they did it talk show style but they showed two cartoon videos about the miracles and the dark environment was very conducive for sleeping.

during sharing though, it was just a simple question: 'what does jesus mean to you?' and when terence had to share, he admitted that when he was younger he felt closer to God [he's in uni now]. and cherie shared her theory about it, how people become cynical and stop believing and how they know more about scientific theories. and she said, 'science explains everything.' and at that point i wanted to leap out of my seat and say, right out loud, to everyone, 'no, it doesn't. it explains what we think is important. it explains eclipses, global warming, the big bang, evolution - but that is all irrelevant. what about souls? what about love? it may tell us how the heart works, the routes blood takes to fill up the sorry little life giving organ - but does it tell us how it REALLY works? no of course not. science cannot explain emotion, it cannot REALLY explain passion, love, tears, laughter, why babies smile in their sleep, why we get hurt and heartbroken. all that, in scientific terms, are basically activated by certain parts of the brain.. and it goes no deeper. science makes us logical, calculative, 'civilised' but sometimes, it helps us to grow further apart from who we really are. so, no, science doesn't explain everything.'

but being the reserved person i am with people i do not know, i just kept these thoughts to myself, my heart silently swelling and my handsfidgeting, itching to move to the rhythm of my planned speech.

i thought quite hard about the sharing question too. everyone said that to them, Jesus meant a listening ear, a friend, a saviour - but i felt there was something more to it. He is more than just someone i go to for counselling, He is hope. to me, Jesus stands for all that is important in the world. selflessness,truth, hope, faith, and above all, love. undying, pure, true and REAL love.

+ posted by M @ 11:36 PM

...	Monday, September 08, 2003

i feel like throttling my brother for trashing many of my files. namely my ash and jon bon jovi songs.

fortunately he didn't take out the dashboard confessional stuff or he'd certainly get it.

that's all i have to say. there are so many things running through my head, tangling themselves. i want to be rid of this saccharine feeling of empty hope.

ever hoped for the impossible? i know i do. i dream a lot of the impossible, and try predicting my future, setting up scenes in my head - but nothing ever turns out that way. i'm just feeling awfully tired of all that. but life wouldn't be fun if it were predictable right? well it isn't exactly fun getting let down either.

yet, what is it that pushes us on, if not mindless, carefree, optimistic hope?

what is love? what is forever? i'm beginning to think those two words are highly exaggerated and unappreciated today. we always say, 'we'll be together forever' or 'friends forever' but do we really know what forever is? we've never experienced it - how can we place a name on something so infinite? what is forever? till the end of time? but what is that? and when will that be? so if we'll be friends till the end of time - which supposedly means forever - we assume that time will never end. but what if the day comes when it does end? so what is forever? just something we imagine. i don't think we really mean it and understand that word when we use it.

and what about love? what is that? why do people talk about love at first sight? i don't believe in that, romantic as it is. is love just a feeling? but feelings are temporary - happiness, sadness, anger, regret. sooner or later we forget them, but at the same time they can resurface anytime. so does love hibernate till we decide to draw it out again? love is a committment. or is it? is it that mechanical - merely a chore or something we're destined to feel for the other person? something we must continue to feel? or is it a bit of both feeling and committment? a committed feeling? i think we don't understand the word 'love' when we use it.

+ posted by M @ 6:53 PM