mugging. my brother once commented that it's a stupid word because it doesn't even have anything to do with studying. my brother has never used that word, and i may be wrong, but i find that only sec fours seem to use [and maybe over-use] that word continually.

but i began thinking, and maybe subconsciously we see how sweet and fitting this word is.

to mug is to rob. and you know what? i think that's exactly what we are doing. each time we memorize our facts, cold heartedly, trying to cram this information we hate into our minds we are shamelessly robbing the subject of its richness. do you think i really give a damn about how nuclear fission occurs? do you think i actually go on to think about sound waves when i listen to music? NO I DON'T CARE. all i know is that i need to MUG MUG MUG physics so i can pass it. and i want you to ask yourselves if that's what you're doing, too. i don't actually appreciate the beauty of this subject, given the circumstances i am in. if i were to read it leisurely, maybe pick up one of einstein's books, i might enjoy it. but for now, i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.

should we seriously be proud of how hard we are 'mugging'? i look at my additional mathematics book in disgust - we do papers, day in day out day in day out, not actually understanding what we're learning. why are we learning differentiation and integration? why?! what part of our life is it actually linked to? we don't bother to actually find out do we. we don't bother to do research on the history of mathematics and find which mathematician came up with the concept. all we know is that we have to master it to get, yes, to get THAT A1. after watching a beautiful mind, i was so inspired, so inspired. i wanted to know more about math, i wanted to look at the history of it, to learn REAL math. not just do math just because i have to do it.

and literature! and history! all we do is memorize quotes all day and the facts till we drop dead. do we really appreciate what is being imparted? do we detect the finer nuances of human nature? i can tell you a lot of people couldn't care less. in fact, they hate lit because ITS SO HARD TO SCORE. and it's this that disgusts me the most. we diminish ourselves and these subjects each time we 'mug'.

and people feel happy, they actually feel satisfied after 'mugging'. i have yet to understand why people tell me, 'mel, work. you'll feel so good after that.' because i don't. i don't think i ever will.

sure, maybe other people will feel happier than i when they receive their six points and i may not, but it is only temporary satisfaction. they live in ignorance of a world they have no time to discover because all they want to do is 'mug'. get that scholarship, get into that school, get that grade.

people, can we do some self reflection? yes, there i go again, railing on and on about how there is more to life than this. and you must think i'm a fool, and sometimes i think i'm a fool, because i get no where, because i'm close to a nobody in your eyes. i'm just some average [or even below average] student trying to make myself look better by saying studying doesn't matter - yep, that's what i am to you, aren't i?

i'm sad. because i'm in-between. i've made this my life, yet i'm not studying all that hard as people who have really made it their lives. and i'm so sick of being in between. i was telling myself that if i didn't get into hc i would go to ac because i wanted to be either the best or the worst. i didn't want to go somewhere in between like vj or nj. i'm just sick of being in limbo, and i don't know why. maybe because society doesn't really care for those in limbo, and maybe some part of me is yearning to go somewhere significant in the eyes of others, shallow as i may sound. BUT IF WE COULD JUST TAKE A STEP BACK AND ASK OURSELVES WHY. why am i doing this? why am i studying so hard? does it make me a better person? does this contribute to my emotional growth? does this really make me HAPPY? it's our love for the paper chase i suppose. and it's sad, it's so sad that i want to weep for humanity.

but maybe, i'm the sad one, and they should weep for me. though i think that in between their chemistry and their math papers they don't have time for that.

i know life is this way, i know the world works this way. but i just can't bring myself to accept it.

and right now you're probably thinking with a sigh, 'how stupid she is'. yes, how stupid i am to complain about this when i can do nothing about it. you are the smart ones who adapt and take advantage of the situation and make sure you stay on top. you are the wise ones. i'm the stupid one who will get no where - i'm the one who doesn't understand life at all. and in fact, it is because no one dares. all those muggers don't dare to complain, to break free, to do what others aren't doing. why? they complain, but they mug, because they want to have the best of both worlds. they want to be 'successful' yet they hate society. and does that make sense? putting ourselves through all this torture just so we can lead 'comfortable' lives? we have choices. we can choose not to. and everyday i make that choice not to break free - why? maybe i'm scared. we don't question, we have become like machines. who cares if we hate it, we always have to do things we don't like, SO JUST DO IT.

the fact is, we're the ones who made the world this way. there is no one to blame but ourselves. so i can only blame myself for not making that choice over and over and over again.

+ posted by M @ 10:59 PM