okay i was apparently high this morning due to lack of - no, due to no sleep last night. NO SLEEP.

you know when your body is deprived of sleep, simple things seem funny and everyone appears dreamlike and 2-D? that's how it was. i was laughing and laughing for some reason and people looked.. empty.

'prom' was ok. no big fireworks. some people dressed really nicely, wasn't that big a deal, didn't feel great urge to take photographs like mad so i remembered the night - but i felt a tinge of sadness that never would we be reunited to celebrate as a whole year again - unless, well, i'm hoping o level results will be a celebration.

'if the plane carrying your o level papers crashed, how would you feel and what would you do?'

i must confess, i'm guilty. my first reaction was like everyone elses - 'i'll just cry my eyes out/i'll die/ i'll rejoice' - until i thought about it more and realized, why are we so concerned about these scripts, these mere bunches of paper when there have been casualties? is that all we can think about, ourselves and that grade, that grade we MUST get? people never stopped to think that while we can resit the exam, the lives lost will never be gotten back. someone will lose a mother, a father, a son, a husband, a brother, a sister, a wife, a daughter - and we worried about our scripts, which are, for your information, already dead. all we cared about were our certs, our papers because maybe, if we didn't get them - we would 'die' here in singapore, we would be cert-less, and here, paper means everything.

anyway, maybe i was the only one seething there - i honestly don't know why i think of these things. for a while i wish i could just not think about them and maybe inwardly, i would be a happier person. there's somehow so much anger and indignance rife in me whenever people do these things.

okay let's move on. i don't like to dwell on these things. well for old memory's sake, this was how i spent my so-called prom night. take photos, get blinded by flash photography, after the whole thingy, change out go to town, find out cinemas are closed, go to 24 hr swensens, eat fires, go back to hotel, change out, ed and cel come to the room, cel stays in the other room talking on the phone, we play cards, heart attack poker fishing er.. uno, decide to go out to pool, i change again, find pool is closed, go to roof terrace, talk talk talk, go back to room, stay in room while ed and charm take their turn to go to the roof garden, find them at pool when it is 7+, decide to eat breakfast out, check out the hotel buffet which looked really good, walked to hitachi towers, discovered cool cube like stores, had breakfast at delifrance, went back to room, 'chilled out', i went nuts, took crazy shots with kai knowing how to use the timer, finally checked out, and went home and bathed and crashed on bed.

for the record, i got the title of most likely to become a billionaire [i'd like to talk about why i think people nominated me but i think i won't]. you know how there are two melissa ngs in the school? yeah i just assumed it was me because chalene did let loose eomething earlier but i wonder how the other melissa ng feels - i mean it could have very well been her and i just assumed [ok not assumed, but you know what i mean] it was me. why am i even bothering to think about this? but yeah i felt bad. okay i'm nuts. i'm nuts. i'm leaving for tokyo tonight and i'll be back talking more when i get back.

+ posted by M @ 8:03 AM

...	Sunday, November 23, 2003

this feels very strange, knowing someone could just come across this blog, at dland it was locked, at FOD it was completely anonymous and communal, here it is a place of my own for the world to see.

+ posted by M @ 11:05 PM

...

today over dinner was talking to charm and kai - and i felt so incredibly sad. you know, i like saying that i'm not ashamed of the gospel, but sometimes when they tell me certain things i feel so torn. basically christians have so many different views that i get why people like kai and charm get so disinterested with things. people seem to think we promote segregation, discourage individuality and are extremely close-minded. and sometimes i agree, because, where do we draw the line? so many people have so many different views. chalene likes to talk a lot about her faith, but there are so many things her and i disagree on. and this is why i feel torn - kai and charm relate this all with total annoyance and i sit there, not knowing whether to feel annoyed with them or agree with chalene. what is the in between? i try explaining that it's not always like that, but the damage has been done. am i the one in the wrong? i don't believe that wearing short skirts is damaging to the christian faith, i'm not 'fanatic' - or should i be? isn't that what God wants us to do? share the gospel.. but i think the way she does it totally puts others off.

maybe i'm the bad christian who streaks my hair, wants another piercing and has no problem with skimpy clothes [well i dont like them because i think women who wear too little are completely demeaning themselves but i don't think its a sin]. sure, don't wear skimpy clothes to church, but outside, who cares. its fine. i believe in individuality! come on, chalene makes it seem to kai and charm that we follow things deadly and have no personality.

and charm asked me today if i would marry the love of my life if he wasn't christian because chalene said no. i'd say, yes and no. honestly i have no idea. it's hard to explain, because i think the love of my life will be christian because i would like someone who shares my ideals and whom i can talk to God about, which is so important in my life. and on the other hand, maybe not. i mean why should the guy i love HAVE to be christian? does that really go into the equation? i'm not that Christianly to say it is a must i suppose. i don't see anything wrong with it, i don't. as long as we agree on the important things and he respects my choice of faith, i'd say things are fine. but then, what does she mean by love of my life? and you know i don't even think i want to get married - okay not don't want but i don't think about it because the whole committment bit scares me damn a lot - i'm 16. but i wont get into that now..

and then the whole thing about non-christians burning in hell. i honestly don't know what to say about that, because on one hand, i think, yes, non-christians aren't going to 'be saved' [i hate how people say that like being saved is all that matters] because Jesus said, 'i am the way, the truth and the life.' on the other hand, i think, no. who am i to go up to people and tell them - 'you're not going to be saved because you don't believe!' it is not in my place, HOW CAN I JUDGE? it pisses me off when people come up and tell others, 'you're muslim/buddhist/aethist, you're not going to be saved!' [sound like someone you know?] because, really, who are you to say? are you assuming you have access and say in the book of life? is that not a complete blasphemy in itself? self-righteousness is a total put-off. and by saying such things, one is encouraging total disharmony and bitterness in the world - so maybe we ARE the warmongers. i mean Bush so proudly says he is christian and if he isn't a warmonger i don't know what he is.

and what's worse is when fellow christians get all touchy about me being catholic. we're fellow christians, if we can't even get along within our church [denominations are so man-made. get over the bloody protestant-catholic war already] what kind of image are we portraying? and by doing this we think more people are going to want to convert [which is sort of the aim here]? wake up, dammit.

and what ANNOYS me the most is when christians do all these things and people who don't know [and its completely not their fault they dont know, okay] think that's what christianity is about and its not - its not at all what it's like. but then, who am i to say? i do many bad, unchristianly things myself. i have no idea, sometimes i confuse myself so much i don't know what i believe in anymore.

+ posted by M @ 2:53 PM

...	Saturday, November 15, 2003

well i hoped that since we're here anyway
we could end up saying
things we've always needed to say

to you [whoever you are because i'm not sure if i know anymore, or if i ever did]:

things have changed so much over these two years. there is a part of me which died that day in mcdonalds as you went through your two green apples and she was crying, crying. it was then i knew things could never revert to their original state. the times when i could call you in a heartbeat whether it was just to ask you about homework i'd forgotten or maybe to talk about nothing at all, when i didn't worry about silences being awkward. the times when we would flock to the canteen together the minute class ended, and the main problem was - which ice cream would we buy? but things are no longer that simple, and maybe they never were. with the ice cream stall, you have disappeared from my sight. and not just metaphorically, but physically you become more invisible everyday, an empty shell of yourself which you intend to preserve.

my memories go back to that afternoon. we had a lit class, but before that we intended to talk to someone we didn't know. a stranger to us, she was, but we asked her to lunch because we concluded that cats don't make such even scratches on the wrist. i was partly concerned, and partly curious - i had never encountered such a situation before. little did i know such things would become commonplace in the months to come. so off we went to balmoral plaza, a place i will now link with memories of us. stories were shared, adolescent friendships forged and we managed to be late for our lit class. the gashes came each day, worse than the ones before and we would exchange furtive looks and frustrations would ensue. slowly though, the deep red that seemed to continually stain her skin faded away and found its place on yours.

there were so many things about you i didn't know, and so many things i thought i knew. perhaps you thought i didn't notice much, always choosing to make sarcastic remarks and say funny things so the group would feel at ease. you never let on what was going on in your life, why all you saw [and we saw] was red and soon, you'd spend time counting calories and trying to make flesh disappear.

your face looks bloodless now, and there aren't many times when you have smiled or talked to me cheerfully like you once did. and even the times when we do talk, it is to hide the slow drift between us. you kept it from me for half a year, how you would have your finger in your throat trying to make your body forget what it consumed. i slowly figured it out, and everyday became a day of realization. each time you went on your own to the washroom, each time you ate a piece of bread, i would observe and feel a tweak at my heart strings. i was so alert now, every shift meant something, every scab on your knuckles told me how things were going.

and the times when you told us you would get better, but you don't seem to be. the days go by and you look thinner, the wounds on your hands don't heal. blood on your fingers didn't scare you, so why should anything else? maybe death has no meaning to you, and neither does life. but for a while i believed. it was okay that you and her would never be the friends you once were. it was okay that you and i may never talk like we used to. it was okay that perhaps you will never be able to bring yourself to eat with us again. maybe despite all that, you would get better. you seemed to be trying.

till that day you told us you were going to start again. you didn't say it exactly, and maybe i misunderstand your words, but i sat there in quiet shock, barely believing my ears.

perhaps you will hate me, for being so honest, so unlike the placid self you think i am. there are letters i have written which you have never received, there are times when i stay up at night crying only to soberly face you again in the morning. the messages all of us have exchanged over you, sometimes bearing a white flag, sometimes determined, sometimes full of tears.

and you did ask once, 'what do you want me to do?' here is my answer, i want you to stop. i want you to start living life. i want you to question yourself and perhaps think of this logically, for once. is this what the rest of your life is going to be like? no taste, dreariness and distancing from others? what is so important about weighing close to nothing on the scale - it just makes you less of a person. but what i want, is not what you want, and ultimately, the life is yours, if you even consider it a life. if this really makes you happy, if this doesn't make you more hollow than you already are, if this gives your life meaning - then carry on by all means.

next year we may be separated, and we may never talk again, seeing as how things are right now. perhaps i will cease to worry for you, because it is not my worry; i only chose to make it mine. i wanted to worry because i cared.

just know you are worth all the once unknown tears i shed for you. you are worth my nights of heartbreak and smudged ink which you never got to read. maybe you don't know how much i love you because i have never told you, and now it is too late. but remember that you are worth everything in the world, if you would only let yourself be.

+ posted by M @ 9:45 AM