alone amidst the laughter i know is not mine.

sometimes you need people to shake you out of that sorry state you're in. that mode where you're blurred between insignificance and indifference. the mode i often switch to consciously but unwillingly during ED or horribly unfamiliar places.

i was talking to carol about it and she said, 'anyway mel this might be irrelevant, but just thought i'd say that that day at the party when we went into your room to get clothes, i looked about your room (do you mind terribly? sorry for being so intrusive) and i just got the impression that you're a very loved person.'

well, it wasn't irrelevant at all. she's right. i am loved. i am not as alone as i believe. often i feel under-appreciated [i'm ALWAYS the one planning things, people don't seem to care. especially when i planned the surprise cakes for cel, nat and seet and for my birthday they basically did nothing. i acknowledge that the gang made it REALLY special, but..]superficial as this may seem, the things strewn across my bed - yes, that BIG mess - they're all cards i refuse to clear, all presents i've opened and just left, all gifts i like admiring. special things that mean more than the glitter they produce. the hapen stand in the corner of my room - from the gang. the book on my bed that contains my poetry and things i like - from the gang. the autograph book which has a mere three messages in it perhaps, because i got lazy - messages that mean a lot and go beyond the simple 'keep in touch's and 'you've been great's. the photo album - compiled specially for me by my mom. the beautifully painted tile from dawn. the shoebox santa from don. even the paperback game we played at ED today. books - written for me by the likes of greene and hemingway [yes, that makes me feel loved and understood]. cards received from unexpected people. even cards are enough - the effort taken by one person to pick out just the right card, and send it by airmail. the crosses, the plaques, the hugs, the simple emails and words.

maybe that's what i'm afraid of. going away from this love, feeling this love split and divide and collectivize in schools many mrt stops away from mine. but one, one can never lose love, because God is love, and i will never lose God, even if He may ever lose me and my faith.

i am loved beyond my ability to comprehend.

+ posted by M @ 11:26 PM