i am upset because it is not everyday that one gets to eat foie gras pate; but today when i finally got to i had to eat it on wholemeal toast thanks to my organic mother.

i am also upset that i do not live in america or some place more liable to be victim to MTV Jammed, MTV punk'd or TRL. there goes my chances of watching international rockbands perform a surprise concert at my school, meeting ashton kutcher or even getting to watch a live countdown with many stars on a tower above a busy street.

actually, i'm just trying to be lame and funny. anyway.

i feel like i have literally lapsed into decay.

i am practically, rotting at home in front of the tv, or slowly disintegrating in the hot air that envelopes orchard road. i only realized how inactive my brain became till last night when i was talking to an old friend of mine. lately all i've been doing online is talking about what we're going to do the next day or maybe having some random conversation or some small talk or well, something which allows me to drift.

'if the plane carrying your o level papers crashed, how would you feel and what would you do?'

i must confess, i'm guilty. my first reaction was like everyone elses - 'i'll just cry my eyes out/i'll die/ i'll rejoice' - until i thought about it more and realized, why are we so concerned about these scripts, these mere bunches of paper when there have been casualties? is that all we can think about, ourselves and that grade, that grade we MUST get? people never stopped to think that while we can resit the exam, the lives lost will never be gotten back. someone will lose a mother, a father, a son, a husband, a brother, a sister, a wife, a daughter - and we worried about our scripts, which are, for your information, already dead. all we cared about were our certs, our papers because maybe, if we didn't get them - we would 'die' here in singapore, we would be cert-less, and here, paper means everything.

anyway, maybe i was the only one seething there - i honestly don't know why i think of these things. for a while i wish i could just not think about them and maybe inwardly, i would be a happier person. there's somehow so much anger and indignance rife in me whenever people do these things.

from one of my past entries. i decided to republish it, just for you.

you know, ultimately it isn't important. the amount of a1s on your cert, or how hard you worked for that exam paper.

it isn't important that the plane carrying your o level papers may crash - even though you cried over them, even though you bound the papers so firmly, even though you spent nights praying the examiner would have perfect eyesight and a cheerful disposition, even though you felt like you bled ink from your pens ... even though. someone is going to really bleed for that, and people are going to cry for their lives, not the life of numbers you have made for yourself, but a whole life laid on hopes, dreams and love.

it's one thing to want to do the best in all you do - it's another thing to lose sight of life and all that is really important.

what is really important, you ask. don't ask me that, ask yourself. and i believe that if you shut it all out, shut out all the red marks, shut out the screaming pace and societal demands - you will know.

+ posted by M @ 10:05 PM