i hope my ear is not infected. please.

i really like how the local writers are all linked up on the net through their blogs. it makes surfing easier. for instance, thanks to alfian sa'at, now have alvin pang's blog to look at, and his works are beautiful. this is the circle i want to break into. not the social hierachy but rather, the writer's circle, where everyone comes together, shares their work and discusses publishers together.

oh gosh i sound sad.

anyway, am planning to try out for CAP along with shirin and dawn next year but i really have no idea if i'll make it in. i'm not all that good, really. i don't like meeting ex-scprimary girls. those that i didn't really know in the first place make me feel awkward and this also forces me to realize that rgs had made them so different [yuck]. and as for those i sort of knew, well, i saw chuin today. actually, i didn't really recognize her [well she looks the same but i was just staring into space] till she said hi, krystal smiled too, and turns out she was with lianne and lianne just kept her back to me the whole time. so much for acting all pally the other time she came back to school.

i hate it when people are that fake.

oh yes i deleted my friendster account because after a while i just felt too disgusted with the whole contraption to continue. people add people they barely know just to bulk up the number of 'friends' they have. and then people who obviously hate other people normally and backstab them all the time end up leaving absolutely glowing testimonials just for the sake of it. how low can you sink? if you really like the person all that much, tell them, there's no need for such insincere forms of communication. i'm ashamed to say i got duped by it in the first place.

i need to do some serious reflecting and thinking on my own before next week's baptism. i have to curb my going out and relaxing to make time for this, seriously. usually there are some testimonies aren't there but i haven't heard of any rehearsals [involving the catechumens] yet or any asking of us to write up a little bit so maybe that isn't the case for holy cross. i've been asked to bring something that is vaguely symbolic of myself to offer up to Christ this friday, and i can't decide between a few things actually. i was thinking about saving my poetry into a diskette and bringing that, but i don't think it is really ME. those aren't all the poems i'll be writing in my life - my writing will go on, so no, that's not it.

thinking more about bartley, i realize that i have to be realistic about it. next year once jc life starts, there's no way i'll be able to handle both ED and TM4:12. besides i think i've gotten attached to ED in this funny way, considering the fact that really i dont know the people all that well - and though yf is about the youth, it is mainly about God, so i suppose it doesn't matter. i'll still be remaining loyal to ED, its the yf i've grown with spiritually and had camp with this year so if i really have no time, bartley is a no-go. and while i don't believe in denominations, the fact that ED is catholic draws me to it. maybe i'm unwilling to step out of my comfort zone or something, but i'm not ready to go to TM4:12 and be examined and harrassed.

i had this idea of joining TM4:12 to make them understand and educate them about catholicism, but, uh, 0_0 [the face explains it]. maybe after i've learnt more and am more sure of myself.

because i can see debater ian just.. er, launching all these biblical facts at me. and since my biblical knowledge is, pretty pretty poor right now i'll wilt and die and their impression of cats will be worsened.

i'm just feeling pretty upset now. be patient, don't lose hope. argh. wake up wake up stop being so selfish. yes, you.

+ posted by M @ 9:12 PM