i think the only person you really have to answer to is yourself. i was talking to jason today and he was telling me about how he was going to do something stupid. and i asked what, and he said i couldn't handle the truth if he told me [i don't think he meant that i was delusional but he thinks i'm a goody goody -which.. well i kind of am i-] so i said, 'try me'.

the guy's gonna smoke dope over the weekend. i told him i didn't know he did drugs and he said he didn't and he's a good kid and he tried proving to me that he's clean. but you know, don't tell me this, prove it to yourself because you're going to have to live with yourself your whole life, not me.

you know it's so weird. half the time he talks about how much he drinks as if its a good thing and maybe he thinks i'll be 'impressed' [because some people are stupid enough to be] but then when i hesitantly react to the idea of smoking dope he starts trying to convince me he's all good. i think maybe i'm the one person who hasn't judged him, who hasn't said anything about his flunking out to canada [because honestly i don't care], who hasn't given him praise about his drinking 'problem', and who probably reacted the way i did to his idea of smoking. maybe he doesn't want to lose that but i'm honestly getting quite sick and tired of his simple mind games.

he has the idea that he has to try everything, and he's going to do dope because its stupid. its stupid, and thats the point of him doing it - without doing stupid things how are you going to have any fun? at least that's what he thinks. i beg to differ.

how about doing things because you want to, not because you think you have to try every single thing in the world, good or bad. there are going to be so many stupid, bad experiences you get into in your life without wanting to, so you'll have MANY chances, trust me. no, wait, learn to trust yourself first.

i'm sick of having to try explaining myself and justifying what i do to others, yet i feel a need to. maybe he felt that need too, to explain himself to me when it really wasn't necessary because it is his life after all. or do we all have some responsibility to the people who care enough to ask, 'why do you do this?' and maybe we're showing that we care enough about them too to entertain their questions and tell them so that hopefully they'll worry less. or maybe we just don't want them to judge us. sometimes i hate it when people ask me to explain what i mean when i write certain things because i think, this is my writing, i don't owe it to you to make you understand how i feel. but at the same time - that's why i write, to try to open people's eyes [including my own] a bit more; so if they don't understand i should very well explain it.

to each his own.

so this is how you'll know that i love you enough: when i try to make you understand.

+ posted by M @ 4:04 PM