i've never been good at letting it all out, and i still am not, but hopefully with effort, one day i will be. but at least today, i became less blind. [let us just exclude the fact that i'm getting increasingly worried because mei qing from church is telling me continually i remind her of ms ma]

before ED i was at the worst state of doubt ever. i have my times when i'm all, 'yes! God is real!' and then i have my times when i'm totally, 'do i even believe what i'm saying? am i crazy?' and today was one of those times. i was at the point where i doubted everything and last week i even went so far as to tell my DAD that life held no meaning whatsoever for me. after people finished sharing [they wanted to know why we loved God but at that point of time if i had really said what i'd felt i would have said, 'i don't know.'], it made me see why i got into this in the first place. now i see that i've gone through mass for two years and rciy not really knowing why i joined - i know i wanted to get to know God, but why? amazing how human beings just do things without questioning or thinking deeper at all.

it was somewhere during the preceding praise session that i realized - God is so real, and He came into my life when i most needed Him. He introduced Himself to me last year.

i've gone through this year thinking, last year was the worst year of my life ever - but now i know that actually this year is the worst year of my life [ok i'm just kidding now]. slowly He inched His way into my life when my father converted. we started going to church because Dad would drag us every sunday. i still remember the awkwardness, having to think twice about my decorum and trying to sing the funny songs they sang; i think i only fully learnt how to sing all the mass songs after half a year. last year was the worst year of my life, superficially. in sec one, i got into a hell lot of trouble all the time - playing truant, lying, sending emails during com class, passing notes and getting caught, detention, you name it. but with enough encouragement [and scolding] from my God-sent sec one form teacher i decided to better myself. in sec two i worked so damn hard, and i found things were easy. i was excelling in the sciences, the math, the humanities - i was a do all, win all person. i had a lot of friends and school was extremely fun.

when i got to sec three everything went crazy. because i had studied so hard i got into a good class and my old friends were all split up. you may think its easy because we're still in the same school, but its not. and it was then that i realized my old friendships were so superficial and empty - go out, shop, gossip, socialize and nothing else. i hated my life last year. i was failing physics and a math and i even had trouble with e math. and i'd keep asking God, 'why? why are you doing this to me?' it's natural for people to be stronger in a certain area, but i so badly wanted that area to have been science/math instead. little did i know that He had blessed me with a gift. i began to realize that when i did Lit [of course i liked it in sec two, but that was only because i was good at it], when i read books, when i read even shakespeare, i saw some things no one else saw, possibly not even the teachers. i was an expert at reading in between the lines. and then i discovered writing, i discovered poetry and i fell in love with words and literary art.

i know that while i may be blind to so many things, God has given me this gift to see things in ways some never imagine. i know that there are so many things i think of and see that other people never even dream of because they are too wrapped up in themselves.

of course there was trouble, i got into a relationship and my parents hated that and we'd fight all the time and they never trusted me. but i suppose that was what mass was for - for me to have my time of peace. and friends, what of them? i was forced to act like i was crazy and completely friendly everyday when school started although every night i went home and wanted to cry [if i weren't so bad at letting it all out, i would have actually cried] because i missed the old bunch [we split up over the sec three year because of stupid incidents i choose not to recount].

there were times life felt so incredibly meaningless i'd want to die - i still remember that night when i almost cut my wrists open but stopped short because something told me to. but i think what inspired me was jen. when she overcame her cutting and became closer to God. she is now one of the closer friends i can talk to about God. and then there was jas, who became the closest friend i've ever had. the only person i was able to talk to about so many things [not everything because thats hard for me to do]. so though i have lost touch with most of my old friends [i keep in touch with cel, seet and nat but its just the same thing about shopping, gossiping, etc i can be bimbotic when i want to] i made new ones last year, new ones that i think won't let me down like the past ones did. new ones that i am more confident i can rely on. not completely confident, but more than ever. it means so much to me that they are coming for my baptism because none of them, except jen [and she's not coming because she's in japan!], are christians. in fact two are strong aethists and two are buddhists - and to come because they know it means so much to me; i know that is really love. i'm just praying i won't be disappointed again. it occurs to me i took a big risk in asking them and getting the invites already because i'm afraid that last minute they can't make it for whichever reason.

and then i think i'll have no choice but to really cry - no matter how bad i am at letting it out, this will really smash the floodgates. but let's hope this turns out something like my birthday again.
so i realize He has helped me so much and at exactly the right times.

not everything is smooth sailing though. this year has been incredibly hectic. the o levels have been one thing. academic problems as usual with only Lit redeeming myself. but one thing that really breaks my heart is the apparent loss of my closest friend ever - jas. she turned bulimic, and slowly she recedes into that empty shell of hers. when i once could call her and talk to her about anything, i can't now because i feel like she will break if i lay heavy things on her. and then i feel guilt; guilt because i can do nothing to help, guilt because i'm thinking of my loss of a friend while she is stuck in the hellhole of anorexia. maybe you don't know, jas, but i remember that letter you mailed me. i had gotten cross about something ultimately silly and taken it all out on you, and you had written me a letter telling me that you loved me very much and that i did have true friends, i did. that letter changed my outlook on life.

you were one of them. but now, when i talk to you, you reply vaguely, you never answer our calls, and you never reply my messages and i get the feeling that you never reply when we ask you to go out because you just don't want to. why? is it because you are afraid we will force you to eat? though i wish you would, we definitely won't force you to - i just know that i'm losing you, if you aren't already lost that is.
again, tonight, God sent me a message. nat from church shared about the death of her father and how her friends never gave up on her no matter how closed up she was - and i think that's what God is telling me to do.

never give up.

+ posted by M @ 11:35 PM