because the writing community is one where most writers have day jobs, there
is a sense that anyone involved at all is being generous with their own
time, giving of themselves in their spare hours -- and that sort of labour
can only come of enduring, (if quiet) love and passion for the art. isn't
that worth connecting with, on any level, in this gray city?

an excerpt from one of alvin pang's email replies. i found it particularly resplendent, his writing is beautiful and striking even in emails. carol says 'he sounds like you. like what you always say/write '. i find that hard to believe and anyhow she's only seen the above excerpt. i think if he knew that was her view he would be most insulted. [i on the other hand am flattered] okay here i sound like a crazy obsessed fan. on to other things.

you're right, i can't blame them for being dispassionate about lit, instead i should concentrate on the fact that they actually do have some passion for things. swee ping is passionate about history, a bunch of them are really enthusiastic about band, yue han and van lim are totally into Art, amanda loves to run, pei xian loves her volleyball and shi wei likes to dance. so really, they're not all that dead, only in certain aspects, and i must admit, i am guilty of that too. i have to be more accepting of different interests and make the most out of this environment.

grey as it is.

stop. stop. stop. i'm immature, please ignore the way i whine about njc because i have hardly any sensible grounds to do so. i have to grow up sometime and realize that in life, people have to do things they don't want to do - but then, why? to instil self-discipline - and for what? well, you can't live your life in a mess, can you? oh maybe yes i can. it wouldn't be easy to find things, but it would be a whole lot more fun. oh my parents would flip out for what i am thinking. they want me to be neat, tidy, orderly and disciplined. i am an ill-disciplined person who can't bear to file her things properly and even organize her writing sometimes.

i don't like to put things away in boxes.

oh i quite like that song, 'everybody's growing for something.. what are we growing for?' dbs advertisement. yes, i've gone insane.

my mom thinks that if she doesn't nag at me i will just become a full-fledged slob. she says it isn't normal that one should sleep in and lounge around in sloppy clothes at home. i'm finding it hard to decide what i should do nowadays.

and so this is what i said to carol, 'but i want a lit teacher who dares to say, ' this is rubbish, lit isn't about copying down definitions and examples of imagery.. lit is about reading and then perhaps discovering it on the way.. and even if you don't know the proper terms, so what? it doesn't stop you from feeling.' '

the sad thing is, teachers like this who will really make a mark, really make that difference in a life; will get sacked and reprimanded. and sometimes that's what pushes me to want to become a teacher for a short while - just so i can say all these things, say it all, tell it all. and get sacked? so what, at least it's out there. at least i've made myself heard. but i know i must be realistic, i know i must be practical, and the system will not allow for celebration of such bravery.

+ posted by M @ 12:17 AM