i believe in you so much, i could die from the words that you say
DC - ghost of a good thing

i was so tired that i came home thinking the whole time i had worn contacts to school. i kept thinking to myself, 'oh no i have to take off my contacts.' and then when i tried taking them off, my eyes hurt and i couldn't seem to take them off; then i thought, 'oh no, my contacts have melted into my eyes by some way unfathomable.' it took me a while to realize i had not put on my contacts at all today.

why am i complaining? i'm lucky to end school at three o'clock today. i just can't seem to get myself into the work mood, and also i fell asleep during history lecture today - i feel very bad about it. i kept trying not to sleep but i couldn't help it. knee jerk reaction to any sort of lesson i suppose.

debate tryouts tomorrow for the saturday competition. oh God, please guide me and tell me what to do because i am truly lost in every sense of the word. everyone is enjoying school, but i am not, i dread it. i have never dreaded going to school before in my life. not even when i first entered primary school - off i went with no tears at all. everyday, i'm praying for the strength to get me through.

today tammy crashed nj. we talked a bit about each others jcs and she kept telling me how it was so good at hc.. only after i went off did i realize how weird it was. i had just talked to someone i never talked to before and never associated with for my FOUR years of secondary school so warmly and comfortably. i had been able to talk to her so openly simply because of the familiar blue uniform she donned with pride and style. honestly though, i realize now how weird it is that i would talk to someone i don't know at all so very easily.

i realize i have changed so much these two years of my life. i have begun to stop caring about certain things i used to deem important. i have stopped caring so much about what people think of me; whether they talk about me behind my back; whether i have anyone to hang out with anymore. i've become totally detached. i think ED also contributed a bit to that because i went there and was so detached from all the people, and now i'm doing the same thing and it feels normal. basically, i have become somewhat of a loner. i walk alone, barely talk to anyone and sit around feeling neither here or there. maybe it's because i feel secure knowing i have my own group of friends outside of class and feel no need to socialize more - but that can't be because i never believe things to last; especially when stretched as such.

i don't like it at all, not one bit. i don't like what i've become - a grey soul.

+ posted by M @ 7:31 PM