unconsciously, i began to cry today. i don't know if it was the yawning that started it, but i began to feel the wetness on the back of my hand, and soon realized my eyes were moist with tears. and maybe i wasn't really crying, but the way i felt surely matched my crying appearance at that time.

i've realized today i can go through a whole day without smiling or laughing and generally getting lost in myself. i've also realized that it's been a long time since i've really felt truly, genuinely happy. i don't mean when you laugh at what someone on tv is saying, or at a joke your classmate has told - i mean laughing, smiling out of this inexplicable joy. i suppose - love, is that what it is? i know my life is not loveless, but these days it feels that way. i've become so incredibly delusional, disillusioned - it's wrecking me, and i know i only have myself to blame for allowing myself to spiral out of control. i need to break free - i need to get away, just one day from this insanity.

actually even my parents are rather wary of me. i couldn't get up today after trying desperately to understand partial fractions last night. i just couldn't bring myself to open my eyes and go to this school i dread. it's not worth waking up for in the morning, no it isn't. i need something to look forward to other than the ends of days and weeks. and so i didn't go to school, yet again. they seem to be fine with it, i think they just don't want to push me to njc after seeing me breakdown like never before. i'm still trying to think of what i should say in the parent's letter.

it would be a lot more convincing [and true] if it went something like this:

please excuse melissa from school as she suffered a serious emotional breakdown a few weeks ago and is still recovering from it. she is trying her best to get back on her feet and cope so we would appreciate it if you are not too hard on her.

instead of:

please excuse melissa from school as she had a slight fever this morning. she is feeling better now.

i feel emotionally drained. sure, classmates are improving, we talk some, two of them even smsed me today to ask how i was and i am infinitely touched by their efforts, but nonetheless i feel excluded and alone. i sense that none of them actually really want to get to know me better - or even actually care for each others existence, much less my own. or maybe that's just me. it's hard to explain to them why i didn't turn up for school because i would probably offend them, except that really, it's not their faults.

why oh why am i depressed about njc again? i should stop this, stop myself, stop this negativity but i can't. i asked mr alvin pang if he would be interested in coming to njc to give a talk but now i fear. would the teachers or principal allow it? would the students even be interested? or would they be rude and think it is a waste of time while showing their displeasure greatly. i could either become indispensable or greatly hated. i have to realize that they don't share my interests, even though i had hoped they would seeing as we picked the same fields of study - literature, mainly.

be realistic, mel. this isn't a bloody dead poet's society movie and you're not mr. john keating. do mr. john keatings really exist, anyway?!

i will see what mr pang says. if he says yes, i will talk to the teachers and see how it goes. if they actually allow him to come and talk my impression of njc will be changed forever. but from there it gets tricky, because i may end up making a lot more enemies than expected. i don't think i would be able to bear seeing people get bored or complain when this writer i admire so much is up there speaking.

but i want so much for them to be inspired, i want so much to feel inspired again. yes, i suppose you think this is all about me then. maybe it is. i am selfish because i want so much to be around people who have passion for literature again, who take an interest in it - it's just something i believe in so much and more than ever now.

i need God. i have been neglecting Him.

+ posted by M @ 7:09 PM