living, no longer. i've become rather dead. DEAD. i'm DEAD. not alive. get it?

its scary, how i can drift from day to day, and when i seriously think about it, have no want to REALLY live. everyday i'm caught up in complications, adjustments, insecurity, paranoia, superficial jokes and meaningless laughter - and then the whole thing about work, pretending you are listening to your econs teacher, trying to understand math, surviving Phys ed. it's all so over-whelming i haven't had time to think. and when it all fades away, i realize just how unhappy i really am even though i've been thinking things were improving.

they're not. when i get the time and wonder, 'what am i living for?' i realize i am not scared to just drop dead. as long as i go peacefully, silently, i don't mind. do i sound crazy to you? there may be things i want to do, things i want to say, things i want to see - but if i drop dead, then well, i'm dead, and all the longing stops, so what does it matter? i don't know! oh God i'm so very confused right now i have no idea what to think.

honestly, that's how i've been feeling. there's no fighting to live anymore. it's a sordid sort of acceptance. and perhaps, unhappiness? my life must really suck if i don't care about it - right? and yet it isn't that bad. i mean, i've got God, i've got my family, i've got friends [i think] so why do i feel this way? and i know i won't even do anything suicidal or detrimental to myself because i won't, but yet, i just don't feel good. not that i don't want to live; i just don't mind if i don't.

what the heck is wrong with me.

+ posted by M @ 3:32 PM