i am listening to an jing by jay chou.

yes. i am listening to a chinese song. i ventured into my brother's shared folders and found all these jay chou songs. honestly, i don't even know whether i am right about the meaning of 'an jing' in this song. does it mean silence? i feel very embarrassed not to know, but i'd like to know. i don't understand half the song, but i can sense the pain in it. it just seeps through the ivory keys of the piano and into my very being. i want to cry from listening to this song i don't even understand.

oh God. what is wrong with me

i don't mean to act all angsty depressed kid that i am - but it's just an empty feeling i've been dealing with all these days. i realize i not only spend my whole life waiting, i also spend my whole life missing things. it is this rut i'm stuck in; this inability to keep moving on. and at the same time i hate myself for feeling so dispassionate about everything nowadays and not motivating myself in any way at all.

i have neglected so many things that are important in my life. i have been spending too much time thinking of ways to make things fit when i haven't been doing anything at all on my part. and maybe its because i'm reluctant to settle in. am i? to face up to things. i have to realize things are permanent. at least that's how it seems - that i'm going to carry on living. so i have to live for now, and not just think about how everything will be meaningless in the end. this is not temporary.

this is it. i'm not going to die yet. i should make the most of what i have now. but i just don't feel that fire in me anymore. it's slowly burnt out and i don't know how i'm going to revive it. i think going to njc has totally changed my life, my outlook of things - there isn't this fighting spirit anymore. it's just like i have adapted to this greyness, and fine that's it. laugh at the irony and stupid system of the school but accept it all the same. that's what i do. i feel like going to njc is the biggest mistake of my life because it seems to have killed who i am.

don't get me wrong. njc is fine, everything is fine in school - it's just that when i really think about it and get straight down to the core of how i feel, i realize i'm not happy here. that this place isn't for me, and i don't want to suit myself to it because it clashes with everything that i believe in and stand for. it is just plain wrong to me.

but how can i attribute this all to a school? it is my attitude! isn't it? no matter how tempting it is to conform and settle in this indifferent niche i've carved out for myself - i must not. i must remember who i am, and bring it out. how do i do this when i feel so badly about myself?

i need therapy. i need to talk it out. i'm confused.

+ posted by M @ 9:58 PM