i think yesterday was the only day last week i didn't go out and bum after school [at venezia. somehow i always end up at venezia. this is not very good news]. instead i went home to bum. i guess it doesn't make much of a difference - i realized i needed some alone time.

quite perfect. it was raining, i had my strawberry rolls from bee cheng hiang, i kept the lights off and just watched beauty and the beast. yes, the disney cartoon. its the disney cartoons that make me cry. how ironic. after that was done, i watched a sesame street movie - 'don't eat the pictures'. i was looking for 'big bird in tokyo' but i couldn't find it, sadly. after that, i went to sleep at about 5 pm and didn't wake up till about 11pm. so i missed ED and stations of the cross for a third time. i must not do such a thing again.

when i woke up at 11pm i actually considered doing something other than sleeping, but decided against it. so i ended up sleeping again and woke up unusually early.

i'm still craving chocolate mint gelato from venezia. i can't take it; i've spent my entire life savings on venezia gelato. i swear i must stop it. oh well, at least now some of you know where you can find me after school.

you must be thinking that i've gone senile. i don't know why, there's this craving to relive childhood again. escapism at it's most extreme.

down to more serious things. i am seriously disturbed by the state of affairs at njc. i have been wanting to be a CAPper since maybe sec two, but was scared of applying. finally i decided that in jc, i would overcome this fear of exposing my work and just apply. well, guess what. GUESS WHAT. njc doesn't even inform us of CAP. while people in other jcs [hc, rj, ac, vj] were happily putting together their portfolios and seeking help from the likes of Creffield, i was just completely ignorant. am i expected to go up to the english department and tell them i want to apply for CAP? the opportunities should be made known to us. why aren't they made known, WHY?! this just speaks volumes of the english literature department at njc.

they are so pathetic. i swear i am going to scream at the teachers one day, after i've withdrawn. there is only so much i can take. but what shall i do? do i stand alone in this fight for the arts? it's things like these which really make me regret not fighting hard for my right to pick my own jc. and at the end of it, i just can't be bothered to tell my parents, 'i told you so' because i doubt they care about my interests and they don't know how much this opportunity meant to me, or how long i've waited for it. so it's no point. i will just do whatever they say until i die. that's how i pass my time till it ends. that's how life is, and i'll stomach it.

i have to make sure things like this mean nothing to me, i have to get rid of how i feel about all these things, and then maybe i'll stop hurting, maybe i'll stop being so upset. i basically have to stop being so emotional because it gets on people's nerves. i wish i didn't care so much, i wish i didn't bother so much, but i do and it's worse that there's nothing i can do about it at all. how can i stop?

or maybe there's this whole misunderstanding, and they posted something about CAP in the most remote corner of that sorry greyhell school so we can't find it and be distracted from our 'scholarly studies of mathematics'- ha. ironies of life. ha. i swear if i find out that happened i'll just slit my wrists.

+ posted by M @ 1:11 PM