last night was bad.

like, bad.

like, BAD.

and i mean, really bad.

yes i can't speak properly, my vocabulary has evaporated into thin air. spent good amount of time crying at desk and getting counselled. thanks to the people who put up with my horrible lack-of-inner-peace-self last night. really. i don't know if its the jet-lag or the severely -1000000000000000 self-esteem or john sloman - but it was just bad. its times like these when i really consider getting a prescription for prozac.

there are many times when i realize that if i didn't have God in my life i'd probably have jumped off the ledge long ago or be a hardcore cutter. and that's why i've made up my mind to go back to church on fridays. it's a decision i've been struggling with for quite some time, but i'm going to give it a chance again.

this is something i've got to face up to myself - why do i keep feeling this way? i just never used to be so self-destructive and pessimistic and overtly emotional AND SELF CENTRED. crying is just not something i do at the drop of the hat and those people who know me well know that letting it all out is just not my forte. writing on my blog day after day about how upset i am is not a thing i do either. i used to think about things more meaningful, but now all i'm faced with is a wall.

this is really highly detrimental to my writing. i'm unable to channel my negative energy into writing like before. instead i just sit on bed/chair/floor and cry eyes out.

THIS IS NOT ME. what is happening?

the one good thing is learning to talk more about it. i suppose, good for me, unfortunate for people who have to listen. normally i would tell no one about problems but this year i've somehow cracked open - maybe there's just too much pressure. maybe i just couldn't act like i used to before. maybe i just can't remain poker-faced all my life. or maybe this year i just happened to meet someone who seemed even more expressionless and emotionless than me. yes, old friends, if you think i'm poker-faced you should meet this friend i've made who makes me look like an emotional freak. i'm not joking. does that scare you? yes, i think it does. and at the same i don't like letting people know i'm in such a bad state because there's that conventional part of me that says : don't let them see you fall. so its a whole contradicting situation. tell people and feel better after letting it out but then after the whole thing wish had not said anything at all because it made self seem like a weak soul.

i believe there's this side of a person that she/he never lets anyone know about. be it dark, be it light, there is this side of a person she/he keeps secret because they're scared of the vulnerability and the truth. as though if exposed the truth would be made any more real. and after exposed, no one ever views you in the same way ever again. something in the way people look at you changes. and you lose complete control because then you aren't able to present yourself in the way that you are sure will garner only a certain predictable reaction.

it's not about being fake, it's about fear.

maybe i've been like this all along, and i'm scared because people are finding out about this side of me i always hid. and it's not me, yet it's me - but they don't know that and i don't want them to think this is ME because while it is, IT ISN'T.

do i make sense?

+ posted by M @ 11:47 AM