am at home sick. for real.

anyway. happened to chance across A LOT of njc people [think j1 councillors] blogs. some people whom i don't know personally but who sort of know who i am and i sort of know who they are. yeah. like majorly a lot a lot of blogs because they all seem to like linking tons of people up. i'm not really into linking partly because i'm lazy and partly because i'd prefer not to be found so easily.

i always feel sneaky when i read such people's blogs because they probably don't expect that i've read them at all. some don't really interest me though. they're just the typical listings of what they have to get done, what they've done for the day and are without any real thoughts. and then there are some which make you look at the person in a whole different light and you feel guilty for knowing so much when you shouldn't, yet you start to feel connected to them when you see them in school. i've found quite a few of those. it makes me like the person a whole lot more, though unfortunately/fortunately[?] in this case they're people who know me by face only. anyway, any dormant readers here - please feel free to leave a tag. i'd rather know who's reading than believe that only those who tag read [which is obviously not possible]. and i won't totally censor things just because i know you read. as it is, this blog is already rather censored - it's not the one i keep under lock and key.

quite a few people have noted that i'm too serious. well, maybe they're right. this is a problem i've faced for a few years running now, ever since i went through a major change in mindset after sec two life. why did i change? i don't know. there are a lot of times in my life when i suddenly sit up and think, 'this is really meaningless' and things that used to be fun for me just stop being fun. things that used to be important to me stop being important. [i've done this quite a few times this year, too] maturing? or becoming too serious? i don't know. i find that i'm on a different wavelength with a lot of people i meet and this has resulted in a great dissatisfaction with people.

which i know is very bad. i think i'm far too critical sometimes, and i shouldn't be.

sure, i have my times when i talk about things that are fluffy and mindless and completely irrelevant to me i feel - but that's not really me. i only resort to that because i am unable to relate with most people should i talk about things really pertaining of interest to me. i haven't yet found many people [at least there are some] who can really understand this side of me and not be annoyed with my serious nature. they prefer not to deal with that side of me because it is too mentally exhausting and difficult for them. and as a result, i think most of the friendships i have aren't very deep.

sometimes i wonder if the whole person i am is really just a pretense.

+ posted by M @ 2:58 PM