this week has been insane.

and i think. weekends are far too packed for me. saturdays nowadays are just like.. its like one activity after the other. i actually have a schedule of people to meet and things to do. what happened to the days when we could leisurely wake up at eleven, slowly get ready and meet the girls for lunch at one at wheelock place?

now it's like. oh i've got some school thing till twelve so i can meet you after. and then after meeting a bunch of people i go on to meet other people for dinner and then i end up coming back at ten pm when i've been out since ten am [or earlier].

why am i rambling like this.

i want to spend one saturday just at home by myself, baking, reading, sketching or watching some art films i rented.. or.. i want to rent eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. i still haven't watched it. i think i need an afternoon of solitude. it's long due. oh well. next week the four day holiday is up. i'll make good use of one day for myself.

actually i sort of wanted tonight for myself but sc drama fest is on and if charm sells me her ticket i'm definitely going because ... it's SC! i regret not going for the track meet because bea told me her and bunch of others went back to the small sc contingent and just cheered stella on and even though she fell during the relay she picked herself up and continued running. so sc came in last. but it doesn't matter. the sc spirit lives. the love goes on. more than anything else.

more than anything else.

and chalene smsed me yesterday and she talked about how she prayed with vanessa and with her friend on the phone because her friend needed to find saga seeds for a gift but only found ten. and in the end her friend chanced upon st margs and collected more than 300 seeds. and it's just things like this that i miss. being with the class and having people spontaneously burst out into song and being with chalene and suddenly having her go, 'ok let's pray now' and saying 'don't worry at all, truffle. don't worry at all'. i miss chalene so much. and gayle. i miss having people who believed in me so much when i did hardly anything at all. and now that i have so many things to do, they seem so far away ...

it's just indescribable. i can't even begin to tell you what scgs was like. what life used to be like. i don't know why it was so good for me. maybe because God was very much in my school life. i wish there were a cf in njc. and i realize i haven't talked to my old friends for so long that i hear about their lives from other people. and once in a while i look at my book and i feel like flipping through it but right now i just can't bear to be hit with the pangs of longing.

and life does go on, but .. i don't know.

there's always something that we're holding onto. always something that's holding on to us. the past will always chase up to us and inevitably though we love someone new, we'll talk about the old and once in a while we'll think on our own - this is what we did that day, he/she said that to me once, this was from him/her. and we hold on to those things even though we're with the new and sometimes it feels like infidelity - but it just can't be helped. there's always something at the back of our minds.

first cut is the deepest?

i'm so incoherent. i want to say so many things. i'll try again later.

+ posted by M @ 12:01 PM