i know what it is: i'm scared.

because everything is completely new. i've been scared for so long this year; it just didn't hit me how simple the explanation for my feelings were.

i'm scared because the person i am this year is not me. at least, not the person i thought i was. and i'm scared, that my friends missed out on the part where i've changed, and they don't know me anymore. because i'm not that person i used to be - because i'm someone else. and i'm scared because while i was out with them yesterday and everyone was catching up i had to try my hardest to smile when all i could think of was him and my sadness.

i'm scared because i've never not been in control of the way i feel. i'm scared because i over-react and i get overly-emotional. i'm scared because i'm vulnerable and i've never been vulnerable before. i'm scared because i've never reacted in the way i react to things now. i'm scared because things i once used to let go of so easily just won't get rid of themselves. i'm scared i won't ever stop feeling pathetic. i'm scared because crying at night everyday for a week used to be completely foreign to me. i'm scared because i don't think i could have ever felt this much about something so seemingly miniscule and cliche in my life.

i'm just scared. and i wish someone would understand. and i wish you would understand, and i wish you would talk to me. but you don't.

+ posted by M @ 1:55 PM