i've been hearing this so often.

'she didn't love him anymore'

'he didn't love her anymore'

how is that possible? i think i've experienced it myself, but ... still, i find it hard to understand. how is it that one can stop loving another so easily? the superficiality of the relationship gets exposed just by that one reason. and what do people mean when they say love?

i have the feeling that many peoples' definitions of love are extremely different from mine. especially after entering jc i've found that even more so.

you don't stop loving. if you stop loving, you stop living.

yesterday was great. we had a halfday which started at one [very generous by nj terms. seriously.], the aqua skit is finally over, the drama stuff for this week's play is.. okay it's not settled. well i had a rehearsal till 3 and then i went to meet mandy and bea in town. we walked about for a while, drifting, just drifting. ended up at borders as usual. suddenly had idea of them coming over to bake and then staying over.

so they go home to get their stuff, mel joined us for a while and they came at seven and we sifted through a million recipe books before deciding on Mocha Chocolate Chip cookies. went on a hunt for kahlua and i tell you my mom is insane. i never knew she was this insane. the amount of recipe books she has is astounding. i brought down maybe 1/3 of her baking books and i counted fifty of them. and those were only BAKING books. japanese, italian, mediterranean, chinese, indian, malay, chilean ... you want it, she's got it. she has all the nigella lawson books. ALL OF THEM.

oh and there is everything one could ever possibly need in the pantry. kahlua. poppy seeds [even though it's not sold here]. dried cranberries. canned mandarin oranges. all the basics [flour, cinammon, flavourings, essences, nutmeg, sugar, baking soda, yeast...]. cocoa powder. liquer for baking. sprinkles. doilies. silver ball things. heart moulds. cookie cutters. rolling pins. three electric mixers.

i don't know. everything. for a while we panicked because we didn't have kahlua but in the end we dug it up from somewhere in the pantry.

so we baked four batches and you can't taste the mocha in them but they are oh, so goooood.

i've caught the baking bug. all i can ever think about now is whipping up a meringue or mixing pastry batter and cutting out cookie dough.

i've also caught the homework bug. all i can ever think about now is how i can finish my homework, how i can get to understand my math and just.. every minute now in school it's just the irrepressible urge - what homework do i have? when can i do it? can i finish it all tonight? when is my next drama meeting? what do i have to do?

and it's not an anxious thing. it's a, 'when do i have the time to do it because i WANT to do my homework' thing.

i'm very freaked out. are you freaked out?

this is gross. i can't wait till the long weekend so i can do something other than all this work and think about things other than academia and my university applications and drama commitments and homework and vectors. but over the long weekend i promised myself i'd do four full SAT papers. and i think we are having a drama agm this saturday. which i both want and dread. there is some major overhaul to be done.. it scares me. but we need to get the things done.

and i feel guilty because i'm not at today's rehearsal. oh well. tomorrow's full-dress. it will be okay. i need to be more responsible. definitely. i keep getting disappointed with myself ...

last night after we finished baking and talking and finally were so exhuasted by half past midnight they went to sleep and i stayed up a little while longer insisting on doing my economics homework. and i hate econs. it's the homework i always - or rather, used to - copy.

i can't wait for this friday. nj is finally going to have a CF. or christian student community. or something to that extent. chalene told me, just ask God for a cf, truffle. and i did. and now i have one. ask and you shall receive. yes. friday morning. 6.45 am. any sneaky njcians reading this - you are invited to CF at the raintree tables. it will be a morning of singing and prayer. don't miss out. i hope we can have this cf twice a week at least. can't wait can't wait. the best thing is ros is one of the people initiating it. she even printed out slips of paper to give to people.

praise God! Jesus, You are my All in All!

i'm really tired. i want to sleep. but i've got to start on my gp homework now.

angela, you were right, about throwing yourself into your work. it helps ease the pain. a lot. ]

do you know, that i've got a heart fetish? last year my notebook was embossed with a heart. i loved that notebook. i had a heart pendant hanging from it [how do things just stop being special?]. this year my penchant is fullblown. i designed my file on my own and all the words slot into each other such that it forms a heart around my name. heart earrings. valentine edition airforce ones with hearts just below the nike ticks. new heart notebook. heart pencil case. my school bag has a patchwork heart design on it. and i don't mean that i like the gaudy happy house stuff ... i just like plain and simple, hearts.

what am i talking about ... i'm becoming such a bimbotic blogger.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

+ posted by M @ 3:53 PM