my eyes have been opened to a lot of things this week.

i suppose i have pushed away those who cared about me most and who tried so hard to get to me.

the gang: if you read this - i'm sorry. i realize that i've really neglected all of you and taken you guys for granted. it's not that i've made new friends and forgotten all about you; that will never be the case. i'm just changed this year. worse than before, emotionally, mentally, in all aspects and i'm trying to get myself back. forgive me if i've ignored your smses and messages, i never meant to hurt.

in fact, to anyone, forgive me if i've ignored your smses. sometimes it's the people you love the most that you ignore because they know you so well it hurts when you can't see that person they once knew you to be.

it's a hard climb up but i'm fighting tooth and nail for myself. over these couple of months, i've realized i've really become a different, lousier person. i pass mean remarks about people, don't make enough effort to help those who need me, am generally rather anti-social and have ceased to be a witness to Christ's love. i resolve to stop. actually, i find myself complaining and joking about the annoying girls in my class but today during mass i just remembered that one told me she was getting baptized today. i found this out because in a strange act of faith, i decided to ask this person i didn't mix with to go for NJCF as i knew she was church-going. maybe some people think it's fake of me to ask her to CF when i don't like her much and complain about her antics but at that point i felt it was something i had to do. sometime during communion, it dawned on me that i should probably write her a congratulatory note about her baptism. i suppose my other classmates might think me fake if i pass her a present tomorrow - but God has given us this power to touch people's lives and i must use mine. it would be a sin to waste away. i don't know what has gotten into me that i can flippantly pass hurtful remarks about people ... it's simply disastrous, horrible, disgusting.

the way i behave at ED isn't very exemplary either. i haven't been going very often and when i do i usually feel so down and self-absorbed i stand around looking sullen and unfriendly ... i must learn that the world doesn't simply revolve around me and my problems and that perhaps [though unlikely as it feels], there are people who need me to be there and encourage the new enquirers.

i also missed confirmation this year basically because of my lack of comittment to go for a mere four lessons.

there has to be a change, in myself, spiritually.

and love, what of it?

i read sherman's entry on love. love is not a feeling, love is a commitment. on my way home from church, my mom as usual gossiped to me, and talked about the various marital woes her friends were encountering. perhaps the free and easy romantics believe that should a married man meet the supposed 'love of his life' halfway during his marriage he should just leave his wife and kids in tow to pursue that 'ultimate happiness'.

sorry to crush your idealistic hopes of escapades and clandestine affairs - but i flat out disagree.

love is not some funny feeling you get in your stomach that you 'can't describe'. love is not getting wobbly knees. love is not any of that overly hyped hollywood pap. love is a commitment that you make - 'till death do us part'. overcoming temptation and sticking with your loved ones through thick and thin no matter how much you'd like to leave - that's love. sacrificing your 'happiness' to ensure your family stays together and your children have a complete parental support system - that's love.

love does not hurt, love does not tear families apart, love does not destroy, love does not leave one heartbroken and thinking 'nothing is worth living for'. that is not love.

love is a commitment, but it's not a cold one spelt out in paper. it's unspoken, it's lived, it's breathed - love is just love, but love is not a feeling.

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

The Word of God. believe.

+ posted by M @ 7:27 PM