today feels like the worst day of my life.

the chinese paper was deep freeze hell. in the hall for three hours of chinese is no joke - furthermore i didn't even finish my paper and cut off thirty marks. not only will i fail, i will fail badly. joke of the century : i did the question on racial harmony for the chinese composition and less than a line into the essay, i realized i didn't know how to write Indian [in chinese]. looked up the dictionary which i brought after CT's bad experience and looked under I. was frantic for a while thinking, why is there no I section in my dictionary?! have they cheated me? checked for ripped out pages and felt most indignant at getting cheated until i realized that there is no I.. only Y.

i would laugh, but i'm just not in the mood. walked out of the hall sombre and feeling pathetic. walked out of school alone and slipped on the treacherous slope leading to the pathway. it wasn't a bad fall, but there were flocks of girls around me conversing in the typical njcian mix of chinese-english and i sort of lay there, i myself stunned for a while at my fall. i was greeted with straight up, no buts about it, cold eyed indifference. not even some mockery at my ridiculous slip - yes, mockery is a cruel reaction, but nonetheless, it at least acknowledges the presence of something. gosh, is this how my schoolmates behave? i would think people would normally ask 'are you okay?' even if they've all never seen me in their lives. isn't it HUMANE to do so? i really feel for that poor chap who lay face down on the ground in the rain at SICC. perhaps i am just that invisible, just that insignificant, just that pathetic, just that much of a loser. i think if i had sat there longer i would probably have invited some stares for not rushing home to mug my brains out like the rest of the populace.

i reached out for support but all i could grab was air. and this is exactly how i feel now - the only thing that's there for me to lean on is air. human beings are unreliable and damned.

under normal circumstances i would have felt embarrassed but i was just having too much of a bad day to give a damn so i picked myself up, popped the last vanilla hello panda in my mouth and walked on as if nothing happened. saw my friend at the bus stop, time to smile again. smile smile smile, wave goodbye, go home. i may have been blessed/cursed with the ability to smile even when it hurts most but that doesn't mean i only possess that single emotion. i am not an amoeba.

though i have come to hatefully accept that i am but a digit in the stuffy belly of my concrete junior college, but another no name face in the crowd which suffocates the canteen, but another number in your handphones you never dial.

God gave me grass to break my fall where human love would not suffice. only You and You alone can break my fall.

+ posted by M @ 6:06 PM