that's all folks. and i didn't even take these myself. mandy's dear dear friend who doesn't want to share the 120++ OTHER PICTURES WITH US did :) 

+ posted by M @ 12:30 PM

...

jay. 

+ posted by M @ 12:29 PM

...

jay.  

+ posted by M @ 12:28 PM

...

jay. 

+ posted by M @ 12:26 PM

...

jay. 

+ posted by M @ 12:25 PM

...	Friday, November 26, 2004

... ... "But why is it prohibited?" asked the Savage. In the excitement of meeting a man who had read Shakespeare he had momentarily forgotten everything else.

The Controller shrugged his shoulders. "Because it's old; that's the chief reason. We haven't any use for old things here."

"Even when they're beautiful?"

"Particularly when they're beautiful. Beauty's attractive, and we don't want people to be attracted by old things. We want them to like the new ones."

"But the new ones are so stupid and horrible. Those plays, where there's nothing but helicopters flying about and you feel the people kissing." He made a grimace. "Goats and monkeys!" Only in Othello's words could he find an adequate vehicle for his contempt and hatred.

"Nice tame animals, anyhow," the Controller murmured parenthetically.
"Why don't you let them see Othello instead?"
"I've told you; it's old. Besides, they couldn't understand it."

Yes, that was true. He remembered how Helmholtz had laughed at Romeo and Juliet. "Well then," He said, after a pause, "something new that's like Othello, and that they could understand."

"That's what we've all been wanting to write," said Helmholtz, breaking a long silence.

"And it's what you never will write," said the Controller. "Because, if it were really like Othello nobody could understand it, however new it might be. And if it were new, it couldn't possibly be like Othello."

"Why not?"

"Yes, why not?" Helmholtz repeated. He too was forgetting the unpleasant realities of the situation. Green with anxiety and apprehension, only Bernard remembered them; the others ignored him. "Why not?"

"Because our world is not the same as Othello's world. You can't make flivvers without steel - and you can't make tragedies without social instability. The world's stable now. People are happy; they get what they want, and they never want what they can't get. They're well off; they're safe; they're never ill; they're not afraid of death; they're blissfully ignorant of passion and old age; they're plagued with no mothers or fathers; they've got no wives, or children, or lovers to feel strongly about; they're so conditioned that they practically can't help behaving as they ought to behave. And if anything should go wrong, there's soma. Which you go and chuck out of the window in the name of liberty, Mr. Savage. Liberty!" He laughed. "Expecting Deltas to know what liberty is! And now expecting them to understand Othello! My good boy!"

The Savage was silent for a little. "All the same," he insisted obstinately, "Othello's good, Othello's better than those feelies."

"Of course it is," the Controller agreed. "But that's the price we have to pay for stability. You've got to choose between happiness and what people used to call high art. We've sacrificed the high art ... ...

... ... "What you need," the Savage went on, "is something with tears for a change. Nothing costs enough here."

("Twelve and a half million dollars," Henry Foster had protested when the Savage told him that. "Twelve and a half million - that's what the new Conditioning Centre cost. Not a cent less.")

"Exposing what is mortal and unsure to all that fortune, death and danger dare, even for an eggshell. Isn't there something in that?" he asked, looking up at Mustapha Mond. "Quite apart from God - though of course God would be a reason for it. Isn't there something in living dangerously?"

"There's a great deal in it," the Controller replied. "Men and women must have their adrenals stimulated from time to time."

"What?" questioned the Savage, uncomprehending.

"It's one of the conditions of perfect health. That's why we've made the V.P.S. treatments compulsory."

"V.P.S.?"

"Violent Passion Surrogate. Regularly once a month. We flood the whole system with adrenin. It's the complete physiological equivalent of fear and rage. All the tonic effects of murdering Desdemona and being murdered by Othello, without any of the inconveniences."

"But I like the inconveniences."

"We don't," said the Controller. "We prefer to do things comfortably."

"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodnes. I want sin."

"In fact," said Mustapha Mond, "you're claiming the right to be unhappy."

"All right then," said the Savage defiantly, "I'm claiming the right to be unhappy."

"Not to mention the right to grow old and ugly and impotent; the right to have syphilis and cancer; the right to have too little to eat; the right to be lousy; the right to live in constant apprehension of what may happen tomorrow; the right to catch typhoid; the right to be tortured by unspeakable pains of every kind." There was a long silence.

"I claim them all," said the Savage at last.

Mustapha Mond shrugged his shoulders. "You're welcome," he said.

--- excerpts taken from Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

+ posted by M @ 3:07 PM

...	Saturday, November 20, 2004

i was lost in balestier for one hour today because of terence chew. i'd like to nag at him but seeing as guys are in general oversensitive pigs i shan't do so till 'canoe stress' has worn off. anyway, the guy meant well i'm sure. telling me about 24 hr yum cha in balestier, and even giving me the exact road number, but hey, it doesn't exist.

oh well. called henry for directions. he actually went on the internet to look for a road map, and thus i was informed that it did not exist. mandy screamed. i laughed. and then i screamed. henry just laughed. was then told that i could only go to chinatown or toa payoh for yum cha. so went to toa payoh since henry suggested it and apparently everyone else but we have heard about it.

not the budget type though, but still less expensive than crystal jade. good goooodd. i like.

after which headed to mandy's to play mahjong with her classmates from 3 to 10! just came home to have my dinner. i hung out with the njc science students today. how cool am i. how privileged are they:)

MAHJONG IS SO FUN! i only just learnt how to play it today [despite henry telling me before, 'you should learn. you'll be playing it a lot. it's what tai tais do' ... which i didn't really take to.]. it is so addictive, and brain using. fun fun fun. i won quite a few games, with shujun's help.

quite a happy day. i can't wait to play mahjong again. i shall barge in on all their class activities [which i hear largely consist of mahjong playing] - though i was invited this time. i'm not that imposing...

+ posted by M @ 11:14 PM

...	Friday, November 19, 2004

you like who you like, you know what i mean?

- orked in sepet

this echoes what i read in The Last Unicorn, quite some time ago.

i love whom i love.

- prince lir

i like those quotes. today, had drama day camp. yay for nj drama. was a whole day of drama exercises - i liked space jump, very addictive. i've discovered magic. acting is really a whole new thing for me. when you act, when you take on other roles, it's like being someone else and you do things YOU wouldn't do as yourself. when you act, it's alright, anything goes - you're someone else. i like that. i still haven't learnt to really let myself be someone else - it's hard, to drop the self-consciousness, to be totally uninhibited.

i was very high for a couple of hours after that, culminating when i watched the SI results for the very first time tonight [haha] and didn't know it was so exciting! felt so emotional afterwards because that annoying sylvester did not get kicked out. but i suppose everyone has a right to their own dreams - amazing what happens when humans take sides. they believe another is more worthy than the other, but when you really think about it, everyone IS equal in that everyone has an equal right to having a dream and wanting to stay in the competition.

henry has asked me to go kboxing next week. i'm very happy. must now practise jay chou songs every night to get it right for next week. also i read something terence asked me to read that really moved me - not in the positive sense of the word. it hit me, hard. because the writer was writing from his heart, and you could really feel and understand his confusion, his hesitance, his inability to believe.

If you can be bothered to read, this is what he says on his blog:

There's smth I feel compelled to have a go at. Recently attended this service in indoor stadium organised by city harvest. I'm sorta confused. Firstly, how true is the bible. Everyone god beliver will say that it is truthful, its correct Can be provened by past events that really happened. How so. The first parts of bible is questionable, 7 days god created earth. Alrite, lets say god cause he is almighty, great and all this is able. God tells his wadeva stuff to his propherts and so it could be recoreded. Choosing to believe in it or not up to yea.

Next thing. Im quite alarmed at something that I thought takes the entire meaning of religon out. Religon as we all know is more of a self thing, a faith and believe rather than anything that can be experienced or felt. Money was a part of the service. The pastor, Sun's hubby went on to talka a lil abt loving money and asking almighty fer em when we really need it. No doubt a necessity, I take it. But when he asked those abroad, those overseas viewers of the special tv and webcast to donate to city harvest church, its kinda disturbing. Almight if u exist, let me put it straight. Yea city harvest needs money to develope, needs a bigger church, but god belivers, plz know that man are always insatisfiable, never. SO as a church you shouldn't be prompting those overseas to donate to ur church. They could do a kind deed since they are overseas by donating to charity or smth. Surely that's a lil less practicle to you city harvesters, but i think its more worth it to almighty. After all its the faith u pple have not the church eh? I believe almighty, u will share my view?(again if u exist)

Well great one, I think u are either very lucky or very sad. When i witnessed close to 10000 pple at indoor singing their hearts out fer u, praising u in their almighty so great songs, I was touched. The believe they have in u is great. Praising and praising, that's maybe what u shld as creator of their home and everything be given(at least in their believe). But its sad when u examine smth I saw. Someone slping in the midst of a service. So almighty, I wanna put it quite straight to yea, do u think these pple have real faith in u or they are propagandalised to believe in you. I think true believe can only come after u've done smth that seemingly quite impossible fer norm to happen eh? afterall they claim that ur almighty. Rite? I think most dunno what in the world they are worshipping, or rather they know its god, but they are worshipping fer the sake of worshipping. We in this world now can never know any real truths, its a fact, nutting in this 21st century world can be taken as a whole truth anymore as we humans progress. Letme post some question to yea GOD, did yea meant ffer mankind to progress this way? Did yea mean for all the fights in the world. Did yea mean for churches to be built so that pple can worship u? One should be huimble rite? that's morals parents taught, but god since ur like perfect, ain't u suppose to be humble. So then maybe u don't like pple to worship u but fer centuries, we are all blinded. We are all blurred. Maybe even the pope is wrong. Maybe ur not enjoying all these things with regards to ur religon happening at all.

What's this that ur own CHRISTIANS are segregated amongst emselves. What's this that protestants have to fight the catholics? what's this where ur christianity is seperated or rather branched out to many hundreds of christianity types. Did yea meant for this to happen as well? You know the reason why I don believe in you, is not because ur not influential enough pal, in fact ur vey influential with ur churches and stuff like that BUT I simply cannot find the faith. I search for absolute truths which is hard to find in this world probably why I've not accepted faith. Maybe? Well almighty, examine ur followers, do they know what they are praying, do they have the absolute faith, as in faith is not only believe full believe in u. Faith is smth we have to search and I find it amazing but so sad that many teens have faith but wrong faith. they believe in u thru? inspirational speeches by pastors, friends cell grp ldrs etc. Have they really experienced it? Hmm lets ponder alrite? Maybe I just can't agree with u but if ever u received this letter do read it with some thoughts. i might be bias, but u can think why do I think so like that?

these are things i've thought about so many times before, especially the last part. but it was okay because i'm catholic and am relatively clear about things - but this non believer, venturing into these issues, he must be so confused. and i wonder, what kind of image are christians portraying to this guy? after reading this i really feel that we need to constantly re-evaluate what impressions we are making on non believers - and this is so important, because we need to gain their trust and their respect before we can help them know God the way we do. so i think we should always step out and try to look at ourselves from this point of view, because i can just imagine his uneasy state of mind.

and lately, i've been thinking a lot about first love. have i had a first love? was it love? what is love? and i think about how sherman believes the first love is the one you'll love forever and i wonder if it's true. i wonder if we tried at it again would we stay together forever. is it really like that? was it love? so many what ifs. but i think it is special. i know there is one person i can always go to, always talk to about things and we do understand each other, or at least he does understand me more than other people can though i don't like to admit it. it is just this special way of understanding me, i don't know how. things don't just stay in the past, even if it was a few years back.

Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

hmmm. i don't really know how i feel about this, actually.

+ posted by M @ 9:58 PM

...	Wednesday, November 10, 2004

watched two movies today which really left me thinking.

caught sepet, most of the audience were people looking for a poignant arty flick i could tell. they didn't just want to catch a movie with their friends, they wanted to be there for the show itself. the guy sitting next to me was actually alone. i guess it did not disappoint. whoever made that movie succeeded, because i felt exactly the message he/she wanted to convey. i went in expecting it to be one of those cliche movies about inter-racial dating with all the familial objections and societal rejections but instead it was just a love story. the race issue didn't cause any problems - neither was there any emphasis on the cultural exchange and enrichment both parties gain from interracial romance - it was very normal. there was nothing that jumped out and grabbed at you. and i think that's the significance, the normalcy of the relationship despite racial difference. i liked that this movie put inter-racial love in a completely different perspective.

still rather puzzled by the end. being the eternal pessimist i insisted that the protagonist had died while jenny and angela refused to believe so. i suppose you make your own truths. there was an end quote, read something like, 'it is closer to us than life, but we can never wholly understand it' by an indian poet. this really fascinated me - i'm unable to figure out it's meaning.

sometimes when words are put together they make no logical meaning, but the words themselves seem to seep into your emotional system and speak to you - of some meaning, you know not what, but there's so much life in those words you cannot grammatically figure out.

after that, watched shark tale, which was definitely not as engaging but there was this particular scene which made me think. angie [oscar's best friend] finds out about the lie he told to become famous and rich and she gets angry. she claims that lola [the fish who is interested in him] is only after him because of his fame and that she only loves that, and only that - 'do you think she would still love you if you were a nobody?' and oscar says, 'nobody loved me when i was a nobody' and angie replies, 'i did.'

i think this love must be amazing. to love someone so much, and love him completely for what he is. sure, human beings should strive to be independent but even if you have all the riches in the world, you are nobody if no one loves you. and you may be the 'poorest' man alive, but as long as you mean something to somebody - you are that important, just that much significant. love gives people their identity, and their life. love makes you someone, love makes you a person.

when will i ever become a someone?

+ posted by M @ 11:37 PM

...

today i just spent some time looking at my books. i didn't actually sort them out, but i just gazed over the titles and the book spines again. my favourite part of my room is that small nook where my desk lies and my book shelves are, also the most personal part of my room and i guess i don't really like people venturing there.

being around books comforts me like nothing else. the life on the pages, the binding book glue, the distinctive covers and spines. to know that i can just pick one out and start my life in another world. borders is my haven, most of the time.

i feel a great need to sort out my room and throw out the things i'm ready to let go of.

+ posted by M @ 1:31 AM

...	Monday, November 08, 2004

have recently taken up boxing. is really omg superly fun. ha. you must be shocked. boxing is uncharacteristic of me i must admit. i quit karate after two years because i didn't want to spar. boxing brings back memories of karate class every monday night on the rubber lawn...

am rather annoyed because cannot find my iTunes CD and cannot find my samsung connector and thus cannot upload photos and also cannot find a way to activate MMS. sigh.

frustrations, frustrations, vent your frustrations.

+ posted by M @ 6:35 PM

...	Sunday, November 07, 2004

Why? - Nicole Nordeman

We rode into town the other day, just me and my Daddy.
He said I'd finally reached that age,
and I could ride next to him on a horse
that of course was not quite as wide
We heard a crowd of people shouting
and so we stopped to find out why

There was that man that my dad said he loved,
but today there was fear in his eyes
So I said Daddy why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I bet that crown hurts him more than he shows
Daddy please can't you do something?
He looks as if he's going to cry
You said he was stronger than all of those guys
Daddy please tell me why, why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy and daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy, boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering if there was something that he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out, I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds to a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from a cross

And it said: Father why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my clothes?
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows
Father please can't you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size,
Father remind me why,
why does everyone want me to die?
When will I understand why?

My precious Son, I hear them screaming.
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
but soon I will clothe you in robes of my own.
Jesus, this hurts me much more than you know
But this dark hour I must do nothing.
I've heard your unbearable cry
the power in your blood destroys all the lies,
soon you'll see past their unmerciful eyes.

Look there below see the child trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell you why, she is why you must die.

this is the most moving song i've ever heard.

+ posted by M @ 3:04 PM

...	Saturday, November 06, 2004

current obsessions: JAY CHOU. Jimmy Eat World. The Ataris. Alexander Pope. Emily Dickinson. Jane Austen [time for pride and prejudice phase of the year again - BJD 2's coming!]. Michael Drayton. John Donne. George Herbert. SONNETS.

well, am basically obsessed with olde poetry.

alexander pope especially. i am very annoyed that i cannot find his poetry on the internet. came across a poem of his 'Epistle To Miss Blount' in SAT 2 Lit book [is actually a nice way to discover poetry] but cannot find it on the internet. shall go to borders and buy his collection, perhaps.

here's something for you. i simply love sonnets.

VI - Michael Drayton

How many paltry, foolish, painted things,
That now in coaches trouble every street,
Shall be forgotten, whom no Poet sings,
Ere they be well wrapt in their winding-sheet!
Where I to thee eternity shall give,
When nothing else remaineth of these days,
And Queens hereafter shall be glad to live
Upon the alms of thy superfluous praise.
Virgins and matrons, reading these my rhymes,
Shall be so much delighted with thy story
That they shall grieve they lived not in these times,
To have seen thee, their sex's only glory.
So shalt thou fly above the vulgar throng,
Still to survive in my immortal song.

+ posted by M @ 2:51 PM

...	Thursday, November 04, 2004

i don't ever really do this. i'm very very stoned. approach with caution.

PAST:
1.) first grade teacher's name: mrs lim
2.) last word you said: byebye [to bea on the phone]
3.) last song you sang: irresistable - hillsong
4.) last thing you laughed at: zhaoxin and davina.
5.) last time you cried: quite some time ago.
6.) what color socks are you wearing: not wearing any now.
7.) what's under your bed?: floor.
8.) what time did you wake up today: 9.15
9.) line from the last thing you wrote to someone: happy birthday!

PRESENT:
1.) current hair: getting lighter and lighter in colour. long, layered.
2.) current clothes: 3pr shirt. fbts.
3.) current jewelry: one white heart stud.
4.) current annoyance: chinese aos. sat 2s. pw. the fact i can't stop thinking about someone.
5.) current smell: mint.
6.) current longing: for next tuesday to pass fast fast fast.
7.) current desktop picture: scgs through a bus window.
8.) current worry: chinese. sat2. pw. all combined into one, see.
9.) current favorite article of clothing: long brown boho skirt. yay.
10.) do you currently like someone:

FUTURE:
1.) what is your career going to be: i'm gonna be a hippie.
2.) if you could live anywhere in the world, where: here.
3.) how many kids do you want: i don't really know.
4.) what kind of car will you drive: i don't really know. something white or cherry red.

FAVORITES:
1.) favorite physical feature on a girl: smile
2.) favorite physical feature on a guy: smile
3.) one person you wish was here right now: bea with her The O.C. episodes 19 - 27
4.) favorite author: too many to name, but was just thinkin about Graham Greene.
5.) favorite coffee: iced latte.
6.) favorite smell: baked stuff.
7.) favorite way to waste time: tv.
8.) favorite season: spring
9.) favorite color: green.
10.) favorite time of day: at night on the streets of orchard road.

FASHION:
1.) how many coats and jackets do you own: uh. 6? 7? more than that? can never have too many clothes.
2.) do you wear a watch: no
3.) favorite pants color: khaki
4.) most expensive item of clothing: not sure about that.
5.) most treasured: scgs jacket.
6.) gold or silver: white gold. not much of a jewellery person though.

YOUR FRIENDS:
1.) do your friends know you: few.
2.) what do they tend to be like: very diverse.
3.) can you count on them: perhaps. yes. i think so.
4.) can they count on you: yes.
5.) do you find it hard to trust people: often.

LASTS:
1.) last book you read: currently into Brave New World - Aldous Huxley. last last really completed book would have to be kitchen by banana yoshimoto. my goodness. i really haven't been reading have i.
2.) last movie you watched: wimbledon
3.) last movie you saw in theaters: wimbledon
4.) last show you watched on tv: hotman [japanese serial. discovered last night. am hooked]
5.) last song you heard: roll over dj - jet
6.) last thing you had to drink: blackcurrant drink
7.) last thing you ate: strawberry lakerol
8.) last time you showered: few hours ago
9.) last time you smiled: few hours ago
11.) last person you hugged: celene.
12.) last person you danced with: that must go all the way back to orientation. oh my goodness.
13.) last person you talked to online: still talking.
14.) last person you talked to on the phone: bea
15.) last thing you bought yourself: cai fan for lunch in school.

DO YOU?:
1.) smoke: no
2.) do drugs: no
3.) drink: rarely.
4.) sleep with stuffed animals: no.
5.) have a dream that keeps coming back: can't remember.
7.) believe there is life on other planets: hasn't it been scientifically proven some germs exist in mars?
8.) read the newspaper: yesterday
9.) have any gay or lesbian friends: yes
10.) believe in miracles: yes
11.) consider police a friend or foe: i don't think people have the right to judge others. yet.. have to sit on the fence here.

FEELINGS:
1.) do you have any regrets: sure.
2.) i am happiest when: i am loved.
3.) i feel lonely: often.
4.) what makes you mad: people.

OTHER STUFF:
1.) what's the craziest thing you have ever done: can be pretty crazy when i'm in my moods, and totally forget the stuff that's happened after.
2.) any bad habits: sure
3.) any secret crushes: not really
4.) do you think too much: always

+ posted by M @ 1:45 AM