as usual i'm blogging at the most inopportune time, but look, i'm foregoing my jog time for this [yes i've been SO trapped up at home i don't even go for walks outside now, i go to the gym. i miss fresh air, honestly], since we leave at the ridiculous time of 5 for 5.30 mass.

okay okay. enough.

what have i learnt this week of holidays?!

well, you know, i'll tell you straight up - I HAVE NOT BEEN TO TOWN. and why is that? study study study study TRY to study for the STUPID common tests.

like, ugh, honestly, can the singapore education get any more screwed. i DO acknowledge that there is a time for play and work, but honestly it is CRUEL to give us holidays on the pretext that we USE the holidays to STUDY. haha it's so absurd it's almost funny.

speaking of the absurd. maybe i shall apply the much i have learnt about the theatre of the absurd [caretaker] and use the technique to write a play about the singapore education system. LIKE YES HOW GREAT IS THAT.

no, really. i'm going a little mad. but i must say that apart from

aston: yes.
pause.
davies: estihgjkndfgiugedhij
pause
rthdigjhlkdfgndkfgnjdlkg
aston: yes.
pause
davies: giuhsefjgoijestokjpoijset...

and it goes on like that, the caretaker is a pretty interesting play. really it is. kinda. sorta. i like the whole parallel universe and screwed up dimension thing.

no i think the thing i've REALLY learnt and really scares me. yes, i learnt something these holidays. see, at least i managed to get something out of staring at my history notes everyday. the more i read my history notes, the more i really began to absorb, and it's scary but good. now i like history more than i ever did before. i can't say i LOVE it but i like it better as opposed to before when i just chose it because history sure beats physics/chem/any science thing. history. people think we learn about history so that we don't repeat the same mistakes. well, nah, i think that's inevitable. because human nature just cannot be changed, and hey, you just can't cheat divine will.

the fascinating thing about history is that i see it as man's constant search for identity, power, control. i mean, nationalism. always struggling against the control of this 'higher colonial power', establishing national identity. IDENTITY. we all want IDENTITY. and hey, this coincides with the thematic concern of pinter's play. so studying lit and history together just KEEPS on rubbing off something on the other. and it's cool.

and then there's communism. wow it's amazing. studying about red china - gosh, don't you guys feel SCARED? or this sense of morbid fascination with Mao. it amazes me, the hold he had on his people. The Little Red Book and how stuff from it was read out during communal workbreaks and how sentimentality and love and feelings for other people were forbidden because it was bourgeousie and how people cried when they saw him and sang communist hymns. it amazes me, because then, bam, i think of Brave New World, and then it becomes this lit thing for me all over again. because Mao created this whole other different world for them. he created their lives. he created rules for them to live their lives by. and it was such a lie.

and the scary thing is, it makes me question life NOW. how are we different from what it was like? we read all that stuff and we feel amazed that such things could happen - but how different are we from the past? WHO dictates the way we should live our lives? the government right? laws right? rules right? everything is set by standards people have. and we just live our lives accordingly. and we think that it's okay and it makes sense - but what if, what if the way we live our lives now, the way we're SUPPOSED to anyway in society - is one big LIE?

then our lives are BIG LIES.

and even if we think we're radical, and we live life by our own rules - it isn't really original because there's some mindset and some external influences that have contributed to the way we lead our so called different lives. so you think you're radical, but you're NOT. we're all just THE SAME. because everyone just blurs with everyone and nothing is ever really original - you can always trace it back to something from somewhere else. we're always conforming to something or the other. we always have the NEED to put a name on things, even if it's 'unnamed', 'unnamed' is STILL a name. is there REALLY such a thing as INDIVIDUALITY? does it REALLY exist? or is it something we like to say to make ourselves feel special?

oh and this other whole big thing about ethnicity? i know some people are going to scream and want me killed - but honestly i don't believe in the issue of race and roots. and all that rubbish about, 'isn't it so shameful that you can't speak chinese, cos you're chinese?' i don't subscribe to it at all. maybe that explains why my chinese turned out this way and you can laugh if you like - but i see no validity in that comment. i believe in diversity, i think it's wonderful to have different cultures but to use your 'roots' against you to justify how you SHOULD behave? that's hogwash. WHY do I have to learn chinese, just because I AM chinese? WHY? does it REALLLLLYYY matter? it struck me because i happened to have a conversation with my brother about roots and he was shocked that i held such views and said the MOE had wasted lots of money and time and education programmes on me since i had such a view. sure, race gives people a sense of belonging, it gives you some sort of comfort and some pride in something [when singapore won the soccer thing i assume we're supposed to feel proud] but this whole thing is just some small piece in the politics of a nation and it's a FALSE sense of belonging. why should you have to be PART of something BIGGER in this WORLD to belong?! there is God, and there is JUST GOD. and this whole stress on cultures - well, there are some cultural practices that are stupid and some that are plain morally WRONG. like that whole thing about the indian gang-raping because of different castes? isn't that sick and disgusting? but that's ancient culture right?

so we promote culture and roots, yet we want to get rid of an essential extremely traditional part of it [and damn right we should, but i'm just enforcing this point]? so we can keep the good and throw away the bad? then, isn't that so false, and so pretentious? that we expect culture to fit with our developing morality and with the changing times? so ... why stress on culture ANYWAY? since we're going to keep CHANGING it to suit US? there isn't really a point in having, culture, right? it's just an empty name.

the best thing about different roots and culture and all that stuff people like to call it? art. self-expression. feeling. art and literature because one can see the human feelings and ideas put across there. and love and passion and human idea is UNIVERSAL. it transcends all 'cultures', and that's the best part of it if i need choose one.

onward to the common tests.

+ posted by M @ 4:23 PM