just back from the UK university fair. and again i realize i really don't know what i want. somehow when i was younger i was more sure of myself. fairy at 6, artist and writer at 8, horserider at 9, teacher at 10, writer at 11 and 12, architect at 13 and 14, lit major at 15 and 16.

and at 17 and 18? nothing. nothing last year, nothing now. i've held the mindset so fiercely for two years that i'd be a lit major that my parents now think that's very much what i want, and it seems so very much like what i want the way they say it with such surety to their friends, 'my daughter wants to major in lit for university' that for those moments i believe again that it's what i want - but when i think about it, i really don't know if i've outgrown that dream or if i'm suffering from some identity crisis. everyone has the idea that's who i am, what i will be what i want - but i really don't know. literature is beautiful and wonderful but i'm beginning to see that there are other things i might want to do.

film. photography. architecture. art. design. sociology. social work. philosophy. religious studies.

it has hit me that if i choose literature, i'd have to spend another four years writing essays - when all i really ever need to appreciate literature is to read what i like. it seems very uninviting to do so and as though i just cannot move beyond what i've already known. i feel like i'm using my parent's money just to be more academic and write more essays. don't get me wrong, i love literature - but the jc experience and approach really has somewhat put me off.

i don't see myself having a 'real job'. yet i feel guilty spending my parents' money doing whatever i wish to study knowing it has no relevance to the family business and yet they oblige, letting me study literature when other parents would flip out. STILL, i am opposed to working in the family business and i really can't see myself working in the corporate world. the closest i could ever get would be architecture ...

what do i mean by not having a 'real job'? well. social work. the peace corp. advocating human rights. women's rights. something like this. something you don't really need a degree for. but perhaps sociology?

and then there's art, and running a deli, baking, film. i can see myself holding some demonstration, with a big placard, protesting a war, or demanding women's rights. hippie, feminist? but i just can't see myself in a suit, presenting proposals [even though i really do love architecture. buildings are wonderful statements and characters]. think my chosen professions trivial, but at this stage of my life, i've thought it over as seriously as an unsure insecure naive 18 year old can. and i don't know what i want to do, but i do know what i don't want to do.

i want to give people voices. make my voice heard.

and my biggest regret is not ever studying art in school. it's something i'm sort of rediscovering, being around vanessa and people like amanda poh, who i'm not close to but i really admire her art when she shows it to me. and well, i guess in a way njc has made me think about art more that lit - at least that much came out of it. but it'll be hard to do art in a UK university without any background or get into an art school. which i could do in the US. can't have it all. decisions. choices. futures. at the same time, i don't think i'm just that good enough to take art to a higher level and do it at university. i'm not as gifted as others who really CAN do art. given, i am more artistically talented than most people and i do love art - but i don't feel i'm good enough.

and i'm beginning to feel the same way with lit. it's frustrating, it really is for me right now when it comes to lit. when i used to be able to score like free in secondary school and now i can't get above a C and that would be okay for first year of jc but i'm already in my second year why are the grades not going up? it really bugs me. it really gets to me that i'm not taking Lit S. what am i not doing right. why can't i excel at it like i used to. maybe i just can't go beyond o levels. maybe i'm just that crippled.

maybe the idea of me being gifted in the arts was all a delusion, all a facade. and i'm left with nothingness.

what now, mel?

+ posted by M @ 4:10 PM