the sick girl is blogging.

yes, sick again. it has occurred to me that i've probably fallen sick about ten times already this year which is highly abnormal. am wondering if i should go for check up of some sort. or maybe just attribute it to general unhappiness, poor health and bad state of mind.

i am also aware that blog has turned into one huge rant/whine/'i'm so depressed' fest of teenage angst pap. i can't even call it angst. i'm not even angsting properly. i am also aware that this makes me even less lovable than i already am. but ai, whatever. sometimes the days just feel black, you know? and of course everyone wants to be loved, but i've sort of come to the terms that i hardly ever will be and so it doesn't really matter how much i deteriorate into this .. thing.

it scares me that the a levels are sooner than i think and that uni applications are breathing down my neck and everyday i'm told where i want to go, what i want to do, who i want to be. but the thing is, it may sound immature and frivolous - i don't know what i want. I DON'T KNOW! and you can malign me for it and ask me why i can't i be as motivated as that boy/girl in the papers with four As and what not but the very fact is i just don't know so please stop asking because to me there are so many more important things than getting a university education and a solid job maybe you say that's because i've lived such a comfortable life that i don't understand but we all lead different lives and we all need different things and i know i don't need what other people need and maybe you say i'm too bohemian for my own good but so be it but still i will conform to convention because i need my parents to go on loving me and i don't want a big blowup and i don't want to be pointed at the whole of my life and yes i'm scared of society and so i bend and twist to their expectations best as i can but i know i just can't and i know i'm going to fall and i want so badly to be free but i know there's no such thing as ever being free and our ideas of freedom and running unhassled in corn fields are fakes and that nothing is ever really what we think it is and i just want love what love you ask just any love just love because love is life and i don't have any love now.

i really don't know what it is. i think something will make me happy, and then when i have it, when it happens, i know in my heart that i'm just deceiving myself and nothing will make me happier than the one thing i can't seem to have - which honestly, i don't know what it is either but i just know i can't have it and i won't be able to. i don't really believe in myself all that much at all.

these entries are starting to resound of Sarah's diary in The End of The Affair.

can we ever have it all? i don't want to 'have it all', and yet i know the one thing i need and desire most is ALL there will ever be worth living for. God please help me, God please help me. this is desperation. i am desperate for Your love and help. i don't know what it is that we need to glow, but i just want to glow.

+ posted by M @ 9:19 PM