I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No...not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that ... over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable - like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love - like there has never been in a play.

- Viola in Shakespeare in Love

i really felt for this so much. heart of my own heart.

and i know i'm going to go on and on about it and i know you're going to call me a dreamer and an idealist and things so many people have called me before but i can't help it i have to say all this. so today i went to town to do SAT prep and after awhile met bea and had a rare conversation where i actually said what i was thinking and i talked about how detached we are as lit students sometimes because we're exposed to so much more and we want so much more - and if that doesn't apply to you it applies to me. but yes, i want love, truth, freedom, beauty! all these things that have become such mythical entities to us - when they're not, when they shouldn't be! i want more than the average jc life where one goes to school, talks of nothing of importance, goes on meaningless dates watching meaningless movies just so you can have someone around - i want so much more than that.

and people think they should just be satisfied with this mundanity, either that or they care more about getting the latest handbag in fashion, but don't they realize that the things that cost nothing are the things that are worth the most? i cannot. i cannot be satisfied - and it is this reluctance to accept 'reality' that makes me unhappy. is it worth it? this struggle against world values and beliefs for the want of something more fulfilling? YES.

why is it that people enjoy all these fantastical fairytales and movies so much and after watching them, 'snap back to reality'? 'true love' has become something pretty we take out of a box to look at for awhile and then put back in after dismissing it as 'just a movie'. we pay $7.50 for a ticket to rainbowland and then promptly get out after that. i mean, true love becomes something cliched that actors play out on a big screen as we munch on popcorn - it has been reduced to that! and it ENRAGES ME! so very much. it makes me sad that the many times i feel a common conviction in something is when i'm watching something scripted and directed. or when i'm reading something. why is it that these REAL ideals have become so fictional when it is these very things that should be the foundations of our lives. and when i want all these things people tell me to stop being idealistic and face up to reality - but WE CREATE OUR OWN REALITY. we have created this world of hate and destruction and we don't seem to be stopping anytime soon. i wish people would just take a step back and recognize all the things that are good in life, these things that are really REAL!!!

there is so much reality out there while we are living this superficial existence and it is just fading more and more each day, each time we say 'fairies don't exist'. yes, i understand that now, i understand what peter pan meant by a fairy dropping dead everytime someone says 'fairies don't exist'. each time we denounce the existence of beauty and love, we kill it little by little. and these things would be so much more alive, if we only believed in them a little more. there is so much beauty, so much love, so much truth. and i just want someone to share this with, yes, because truth beauty freedom and ABOVE ALL LOVE - these things mean nothing when you don't have someone to share them with.

and perhaps many of you out there are reading this and shaking your head, you think, 'oh poor poor mel. she is never going to happy.'

yes, maybe i never will be. but meanwhile, i'm not going to substitute it with something plastic.

WHAT YOU LOVE IS YOUR FATE

+ posted by M @ 10:57 PM