didn't go to school today. despite conscience nagging at me to get up and go - it was all too easy to ignore it and continue sleeping. i have the bad feeling i'll suffer the repercussions of this, but at present, i'm just numb to consequence.

i know everyone is getting a lot more serious. i can feel it. we know we shouldn't mess around anymore. the a levels are in a few months time. i haven't started on university choices. God. everything is caving in. everyone knows that, but somehow, i'm just not putting that thought into action. and then the whole vicious cycle of wanting to but not doing anything and managing to stay conveniently in dreamland.

i'm good at that. building a world of my own. sitting among crowds and getting immersed in fictional worlds of literature. reading on the mrt. reading in the canteen. reading as i stand alone against a wall. just reading reading reading and shutting every damn thing out. books make life a whole lot more bearable.

sigh. whine whine whine whine whine whine. as far as i'm concerned, all my gripes sound the same. i just feel so trapped. so suffocated by the horrible colour scheme of red and orange and lurid green. i need to break away - i need to be alone. i need to be free of this melancholy and meaningless grime that clings. it doesn't help to see everyone else in school with lost expressions - they seem happy enough, but are they? always, always uncomfortable with silence, filling the air with talk that means nothing, emotions that are dry.

i'm so out of touch with reality. i need to make a connection. or else that's the end of it.

it doesn't help when your mom tells you during lunch that she thinks life is a punishment. she thinks it's a meaningless existence where we grow old and die. yes, your very own mother who gave you life thinks life is a punishment. and this isn't the first time she's shared this view. even though i agree certain days when i'm in my moods, at the end of it all, i do think life is beautiful. sometimes i really wonder, behind her huge eagerness to tell us things she sees [and me and my brothers sort of just nodding and listening rather inattentively], and behind her often caustic lectures, behind the chirpiness she possesses when shopping and baking, behind how perfect she is at times - what does she think? who is she? somehow i think there will always be a barrier between my mother and i. and i will never know her for who she is and vice versa because my parents simply will never understand me. and i don't say this in a teenage 'you don't understand!' way, but in a sad realization that i will never gain any sort of ... understanding from them in my views of the world. it's when she says things like this that i realize i don't know my mother at all.

it depresses me, because i don't want to grow up with an outlook like that. i'm sure at one stage she was young and filled with hope and a taste for life ... and she still glows, but how is it that she feels this way? i don't want to become like that. i don't want to lose a zest for life and love. i don't know i don't know ARGH.

i know why the caged bird sings.

+ posted by M @ 2:38 PM