i think we go through our whole lives deceiving ourselves into believing we want certain PARTICULAR things [to get into X university, to get X bag/pants/book etc, to get X person to like you] when really, we just want to MEAN SOMETHING. and it's a lot easier to attain these other things than to really feel that we genuinely MEAN SOMETHING. we don't know what we want to mean, but we just want to mean something.

that's what i want. and it's not enough to hear someone else say it, 'you mean a lot to me' or 'what you did meant a lot' etcetc, or 'you mean a lot to God' even. you have to feel it yourself. YOU HAVE TO MEAN SOMETHING TO YOURSELF. because a lot of the time, we only trust ourselves. and at many points in my life, i haven't felt like i meant something to myself. i feel like many times i'm just grasping at things hanging in the sky. what things? everything! i do not know, i do not know. the problem is that when you don't really know what you want to mean, it's very hard to determine when you mean it. this is the closest it gets - sometimes i dream of creating a piece of art, or writing, or play or performance or dish or whichever [!] so beautiful and true and full of LOVE and freedom and watching a stranger pick up my book/watch my play/look at my art/taste my cooking and the way she/he reacts. it doesn't matter if he/she laughs or cries [even if i had intended neither. i think it rather ... silly that lit teaches us to look for the effect the artist intended when REALLY it seems LIKE MANIPULATION for an artist to expect only one kind of CORRECT effect - e.g 'short stanzas create rushed exciting effect' my teacher says].

as long as it meant something to him/her, i think i could and WOULD WANT to drop dead at that very spot of peeking at the audience/reader/art-looker/diner and blissfully sleep eternally in that memory that I HAVE TOUCHED SOMEONE AND MEANT SOMETHING WITH MY WORK! i get a little taste of it now and then, with dramafest, with some of my writing. but it's not enough, it's not lasting, because those things didn't mean the world to me, A LOT, but not the world. the future[hopefully, i so aspire] book/play/art/dish that a stranger experiences - it will mean the world to me. WORLDS COLLIDE when art is around, AND THATS JUST BEAUTIFUL! like my world and woolf's world, recently!

that's all i want. to mean something. and it's a very big want.

heck, it's not even a want; it's a need.

+ posted by M @ 12:15 PM