it has just hit me that this year is depressing. like joseph conrad emphasizes in heart of darkness - there is no silver lining at all. it's all bleak. and even if there is a glimmer of hope, it's either an optical illusion or false illumination.

and part of the reason why i feel like this is because i know my birthday is coming in less than two months and i'll be 'celebrating' my first few hours in the exam hall in njc taking some godforsaken prelim paper. could things get any worse? yes they can. no one will bother to remember because they'll only be too busy studying for the prelims. THE RAT RACE IS TAKING OVER OUR LIVES. BEWARE OF THE A LEVEL BODYSNATCHERS. i know to you lot this is a bunch of self-pitying drivel, but honestly. it just doesn't help my already self-loathing situation at all. not. at. all.

forget it. what's the big deal about turning eighteen. i'm not going to get all sentimental about this birthday stuff. not important, not important, not important.

just had a big showdown thingy with family/parents yesterday. i feel that no matter how much we try to sort things out it's never going to work. i'm being realistic here, it just isn't. and it's so confusing and i don't know what i am or what it is anymore. forget it.

i am nothing. my life is nothing. but on the other hand, i realize heart of darkness is one of the most beautiful books i have ever read [after finishing it today, finally]. so, there, at least i have that if nothing else.

+ posted by M @ 6:50 PM