the week has passed by and i'm left stunned and dazed. have managed to more or less keep to intensive studying determination and i can only hope i don't burn out [but there are less than two months left to prelims anyway].

have been thinking more about universities. and i've decided i'm really not gonna apply to Barnard, as lovely as it looks. i've found Emerson, which seems just wonderful. my college counsellor told me it was a 'floozy' school just because it's a theatre/media geared liberal arts college [how offensive!] but he said if that's what i want to do i should apply. the problem is, what if theatre isn't something i completely want to do? plus i don't want to just do ONE part of it - i want to do it ALL. act, set, directing, script. total experience. and then i mean there's film and lit and EVERYTHING. OH MY GOD.

also thinking about NYU, and later on TISCH. helps that charlie kaufman came from there. the only thing i'm worried about is that in a city like campus like emerson and nyu i might just become even more detached and reclusive. i don't know.

universities. what am i going to do, God?

church today was good for me at the end of a whole week of ... meaningless and depressing studying. made me think. my relationship with God now? is in bad shape. very bad shape. but i'm not going to muse about it now. and i really was just very tired and detached and dazed at some points. step by step, step by step. i think i'm becoming more anti-social. i don't feel like talking to people much nowadays. i just don't. i just feel like if i haven't anything meaningful to say i might as well ... not talk. and then many a time my mind is on my books and a levels and stuff. good Lord please don't let me become a person who values numbers and grades above the human touch. eugh. i hate how life is geared towards that now, but i guess i just have to accept it in the meantime and make sure to squeeze in time for people. i'm tempted to study again now after a night of church activities and no study, but i will control myself and tell myself I NEED THE REST. so i am going to relax, yes i am going to try to relax.

HAHA I SOUND SO RIDICULOUS.

+ posted by M @ 11:56 PM