for the first time in a long time, i woke up feeling good. hopeful, happy, at peace. this is indeed such a rarity. despite all the chaos [am in trouble with certain people at school - and i skipped detention today because, well, i care not for things like that] and uncertainty and bad stuff - i'm feeling just fine.

the prayer and praiseandworship last night really helped me a lot. i may not have experienced a fierce revival, but i felt a small nudge from God which i haven't felt for a very very long time. if you notice, i hardly do talk about God fervently nowadays. there are times when i do try to encourage people with the prospect of God - but i didn't say it with feeling. now i finally feel that some of that fire is back, and i hope i can sustain it because i really need it right now. i really need this.

He will come and save you
He will come and save you
Say to the weary one, your God will surely come
He will come and save you
He will come and save you
He will come and save you
Lift up your eyes to Him, you will arise again
HE WILL COME AND SAVE YOU.

i really liked that song. i really really really felt it.

on other technical things. my little sister broke her wrist. broken faith. the poor little thing, i feel very sorry for her though she can be so naughty sometimes. sometimes i wish i had more time with her, at times when she says, 'can you bake cookies with me?' and i have to say no because i have prelim prep breathing down my neck. and i feel pangs of regret because some of these are moments you can never get back. BUT, teachers day is coming soon and it gives me a great excuse to bake. so there's that.

rant time: and about detention. well, the people who come late more than 3X this term were supposed to go for detention today. i suppose, unfortunately, i have a poor attitude that has no regard for manmade school rules at all. i just don't see a point in keeping to these things, the only thing that will scare me if it gets on my record. other than that, i really don't care. i could come to school on time if i wanted, the fact that is that i prefer sleep over things such scholastic rituals such as singing the national anthem and whatever that will not contribute to my studying and university application process. as usual, i'm being my stubborn self and i must realize that my actions have consequences which will affect other people, such as my form teacher. i indeed feel guilty. she is picked on enough as it is - i mean, what's this stupid thing about 'once you're in the arts fac, they immediately assume that you are of poorer discipline'. i admit i'm not the epitome of self-discipline, but i don't think it has anything in hell to do with the fact that i'm in the arts fac. in the first place, you shouldn't be dividing people like this and having such discriminatory thoughts! science fac, arts fac, it's the same, really. we're just pursuing different passions. i don't go around saying, 'gosh, science fac people are so uncultured' or something. it's only when you attack our passion for arts and say it's beneath you that gets me upset because it is NOT. it is not it is not it is NOT!!!!

God, how i hate such narrow mindsets and how all these people think that lit and history are floozy 'anyhow-can-score' subjects. I LOATHE SUCH MINDSETS. it takes a great deal of analytical skills and sensitivity to do things like literature and history, more than most people will ever understand - and not all of us are in the arts fac because we couldn't make it to science with our o level grade. don't assume this of everyone, it is really disgusting and unfair of you to think that.

IT IS A CHOICE I INEVITABLY MADE AND WILL NEVER EVER EVER REGRET. there is so much beauty around us in the arts, so much. and i feel my life is so enriched by studying literature. i know a lot of science fac people don't actually think this way about us, but there are some that do and it disturbs me to no end. it makes me so angry and so sad for these people that they are unable to see the things so very important in this life - art, soul, truth, expression, connection, communication. literature and art and theatre - all these things have a soul. they're part of another person and after reading or seeing their works you feel like you've been inside their very being. and that's why i love these things and love to study them, because they really MEAN something, they really have a HEART AND SOUL. they communicate things we so often can't in this world! THEY'RE ALIVE! THEY'RE REAL! TRUTH BEAUTY FREEDOM AND LOVE!

i get very defensive about the things i love and believe in, and should you say such skewed things about them i will argue with you to no end. call me stubborn or call me convicted, that's how i am and it isn't necessarily a good thing all the time. and i get really upset about how Singapore is trying to foster creativity and the arts just because they think it will further their agenda of breaking into the global scene or whatever. it's so very contrived, SO contrived and i hate it. just like how NJ is trying to do that now with the passion pursuit day and all the other fanciful nonsense it comes up with to try and plump up the arts scene because now the government wants to focus on that. but take a look at everyone's real attitude behind the scenes - do they really believe in the importance of the arts? hell no. they're just doing it for ulterior motives. which is DISGUSTING AND GROSS. and i hate it and that's why i so badly want to change this. i could go on about this forever, but i'm going to stop now. here's to NJC, and whoever represents it: don't be false, don't be false. if you want to put us down, have the courage to do it openly instead of saying things like this privately which contradict that big flashy show you're putting on for the world to see. i really hope mark lo, our vp [out of three. nj is the only school that has 3 vps i swear] can exert his influence. i think he's really good for the arts fac and he's the only VP i like out of that whole lot.

i like the 'Bad Day' music video, it has samaire armstrong in it.

i feel empowered, and i hope this will not go away. i need all the strength i can muster to get through my life.

+ posted by M @ 12:18 PM