Nobody Knows is still on my mind. i can't get over that film. it's just amazingly astute film-making. realistic without being coarse, shocking without being shocking. i'm interested to know more about the 1988 nishi-sugama affair, but i can't find much info on it.

sometimes i wonder. why do i love watching films and reading and drama so much. heck, why do we enjoy the things we enjoy. is it to fill some void? to occupy my time? sometimes i think that's all it is - a more enjoyable way to attempt to fill the void of my heart ... and that's sad, but the fact is, i think it's true because there's no way film and art can ever fill me up permanently - only something very special, very human can do that. and i don't have that. so as human nature does, i have to occupy myself in the meantime or i'll go stark mad.

sad, isn't it? when i begin to think seriously of how lonely the life i lead is and the extremely singular nature of man. nothing compares to true human connection, but that's much harder to find than a good film.

here i am, alone as ever. and it's okay, i have to trust it'll be okay. it's not a screaming, yelling, intolerable feeling of loneliness. it's a quiet desperation for some sort of union with the world which i seem to be unable possess. i wish i could be less apart. the way i act in school and with other people doesn't tell anything of how i really feel - just because i talk to you, laugh along with everyone else, doesn't mean i'm really getting anything out of what's happening, that i'm really there. haven't had an intimate and meaningful conversation for a very long time.

i think i've effectively split myself into two.

we live in a world of masochists.

yesterday i felt a great sense of futility when benzie completely [and rightly] trivialized our exams, and our plans for the future. unlike the math teachers who say we must get good results as though our very life hangs on it, the english teachers just give exam tips but don't actually talk about results as the ultimate. i get a sense that they're only helping us sit for this exam because it's an occupational requirement and they haven't much conviction in it at all. whitby always says, 'prophetic finger, if you don't do -insert X literary analysis technique- you will get an F. LOSER!' in his funny way, and we all laugh. but i think he only says it because the mentality of most nj students is 'i came here to get my As' and not because he thinks As truly matter to our lives.

well, during lecture, dio was all like, 'you get your As, get into university, get a degree, and carry on working ... you think it will make you happy?' or something to that effect. and you know what, i'm not sure it'll make me happy but i'm doing it anyway because the whole society's been conditioned into thinking that's how life should logically flow. sure i bet some of us question it plenty, but it's hard to revolt against it when your parents will disown you for it. and so we just give into it. the world seems a farce - i mean every single thing is constructed by man. we think it's some great higher force that imposes suffering and pain on us - BUT IT IS OURSELVES, that's the plain and simple truth. we come up with these exams, these institutes of education, these bastions of economic progress - what for?

i should like to know when the first exams were set, for what purpose, what they were like and just how the hell they came about. it really is comical to imagine men sitting in a committee meeting brainstorming on how to occupy their empty lives, and one going, 'eureka! a thing called exams to challenge the human brain and sift out the darnel from the wheat!' and another asks, 'but to what purpose?' and he replies, 'there is no purpose to speak of, but we need something to do while we're here, don't we?' satire, satire, this is black comedy at it's best and it's the story of our lives.

seriously, we devised this whole damn system to subject a majority of ourselves to the lives of hollow souless underpaid overworked persons. the idea of this reality is far far too bleak for me to accept completely - and that's why i have developed an ability to reject harsh reality and live in a detached world of my own as far as i can [an ability my parents abhor]. it'll destroy us, this total conformity to societal needs and wants, it makes us a mere cell of society - but on the other hand, deviating from it will also destroy us. we just can't win, can we? i had a great urge to crush and throw away my university plans after thinking about it, but i figure anything is worth a shot in this endless chase for that feathery, perhaps mythical thing we call happiness.

that was a long rant. but it was a measured, rational and painful realization.

anyway. today was quiet amusing because yifang, terence, vin and i [and later davina] stayed back after contact to have a conference about boy-girl sms communication. it's really quite funny how much thought and construct can go into an IMPORTANT sms. and vin's tricks on how girls can elude splitting the bill on dates - hilarious, and very useful coming from a casanova extraordinaire's point of view. i really think the bunch of them would do great in performing arts, but well everyone has a calling and i guess vin's and chew's is the athletics. so that's that. some good comic relief for the day.

God, every single thing echoes Heart of Darkness, everything. that book is so beautifully crafted from the dark depths of humanity that it's earth-shattering.

+ posted by M @ 8:45 PM