extract from a very very rough draft i just banged out in about 15 minutes - considering using some of these ideas for my university applications [ignore the writing style, because it doesn't matter half as much as the content when it comes to apps]. the question was something along the lines of writing about 'who you are', just to give you an idea. anyone who still reads this blog [which doesn't seem to be anyone, but i'm hopeful here], do let me know what you think. critique it till it falls apart! thank you.

Like all sheltered privileged kids, I have not experienced hardship. To me, the glamour of a struggling artist who lives from hand to mouth is an enticing and interesting life. I desire to feel holes in my pockets, to understand what it is to be miserable in a cold harsh winter when the heating has been cut off due to an inability to pay the bills. To many, this may seem foolish and ungrateful of my fortunate circumstances, but I suppose I have romanticised the life of an artist and thespian so much I feel I have to experience the reality of it at least once. Unfortunately, because of my family background I know I will never truly possess this financial insecurity and uncertainty I so desire - there will always be a way out. The enthralling sense of not knowing when my next meal will come by is denied to me. I wish to live on the periphery of life, but this seems to be uncertain.

At this instant, I glance at the statuette of Mother Mary that watches me from my writing desk. Being a Catholic and believer of God has defined me in more ways than I can imagine. I make this conscious choice to adhere to the life of one who believes in Christ every day. Many times I long to throw caution to the wind, behave on hedonistic impulses and not be plagued by the guilt of my sins I'm told I have committed. But 'Ava' (my baptism name) is more a part of me than anything else, even if it is not a name printed on my birth certificate. I struggle with my priorities often - my God or my Art? Is it wrong to indulge so heavily in literature, art and film which may at times portray the 'unChristianly ideals' of sexual liberation and amorality? I have a problem reconciling the two and it causes an immense guilt on my part. This is an issue that is inherently a part of me.

I am a living paradox. I abhor Mathematics but prize the genius of man. I claim to renounce all logic when I search fervently to make sense of everything I read and watch. Though I desire uncertainty, I find it hard to handle the little doses of it I'm presented with - which university will accept me? What door leads to the class I'm attending (God forbid I step into the wrong one and am late)? What word shall I write next? Probability; something that fascinates me to no end though I am unable to apply this theory to practical situations. Rather I read it as a theory that proves anything can be possible if we only just think of it. Using this idea, I have formulated many of my own ideas - an apple changes colour when exposed to air because it possesses its very own emotional system, the sky is blue because it is made up of evaporated tears which are in turn blue but we are unable to see this because we all suffer from a certain universal visual handicap and red meat causes cancer because the cows are angry with mankind for consuming them.

I could formulate many other theories and have no desire to learn the scientific truths to them. The truth is simply what we make of it, even if we make uncertain ones. We are bodies of truth; we make our own truths and these truths, in turn, make us who we are. I am this inexplicable truth I have made for myself and it cannot be written out in entirety because if people discovered and understood it, I would cease to be truth. I would become the dull cousin of truth, which is otherwise commonly known as 'fact'.

+ posted by M @ 10:29 PM