just because things are different now doesn't mean i should doubt the sincerity of the past - right? it doesn't change the things you said - does it? i remember how jeremy puts it, 'people don't change, it's just the way they treat you that changes.'

maybe.

m : its funny, huh. how we both ended up doing arts.
s : yes it is.
m : it suddenly struck me as strange, oh well.
s : you know i think i got influenced alot by you
s : like ALOT
m : umm, yay?
s : haha
m : what do you mean
s : yes its gd i guess
m : i dont think i've gotten influenced drastically by anyone. so far.
s : thats fine
s : i just think that alot of your ideas and thoughts, i kinda have also now
m: such as?
s : i dont really know how to say it
m : what do you think my ideas and thoughts are
s : just like similarities that i would have never had if i didnt meet you i guess
m : i think i've changed quite a bit..
s : alright, but what im talking about is the you like 3years back
m : what was that
m : i dont know if i really remember
m :except that i was angsty
s : i can't really explain it
s : dont ask me to tell you what you are or were cos i cant
s : i just know that i developed quite an interest for lit and stuff like that
s : the finer things in life
s : rather than sciences
m : finer things in life, hmm..
m : well, that is good. i mean, yeah
s : who's to say whether its good or bad
s : i think its been fine
s : so it works

i always have to disagree about things with everyone. does that make me narrow minded and self centred? maybe. i don't think i changed you, maybe i helped you discover that which you knew not of. i don't think there is such a thing as 'changing people' - you just discover it. it's not a change ... i think it was always there, except you didn't know it. and that works for everyone else as well. change and continuity - no one in particular has really helped me discover something about myself in the deepest sense possible. of course i've had many self-discoveries - but all through something general : drama, lessons, church, etc. many a time i think i'm far too stubborn and unwilling to let people really get to me.

don't read too much into all this. i'm not relating this to any particular person, but the conversation above that i had last night just struck a chord, somehow.

is it painful? hell, yes. but i'm surviving. i don't think you know how much it hurts when we talk now - if you'd even bother to notice, you'd realize i've been laying off you for quite a while now when we used to talk every other day before. it's a self preservation thing.

today i saw my college counselor. he told me to stop worrying about 'rubbish' (in relation to RDs and school choices and etc) and concentrate on this final week of work. i guess i should really take his advice to heart (this is all trash, this is all trash). lit is fun and scary. math is just plain scary. mmmm, Onward.

+ posted by M @ 6:35 PM