poverty stole your golden shoes
it didn't steal your laughter
heartache came to visit me
i knew it wasn't ever after

my mom just asked me how to type a 'smiley face' for an sms because her friends have been doing it and she wants to do it too. i showed her how to do it, to which she said incredulously, 'so troublesome' and 'that's ALL? a curve and a colon? isn't it upside down?'

the sms smiley - it's just a curve and a colon. and it doesn't even turn the right way - it's lying down! a lie down smiley! :) let's wait for some tech genius to give a cheat code on how to add in symbols to turn it into - ... - well i am unable to type it out because i lack the futuristic cheat code.

i realized, while listening to some songs, that lyrics are very poetic in terms of structure. even airy pop songs have this metre thing going on. john mayer's stuff really sings like poetry. so technically, this pop stuff is more poetic than emo stuff. and then i think about poetry outdoing poetry. it's like herbert talking to cummings, 'you with the bad punctuation and lack of capitalization, get away! i am the REAL poet!'

but of course, that doesn't happen because poets possess a certain openness in them. i think, unless you're talking about Ezra Pound. or maybe some are just TOO open and thus are cruel/sick etc. marquis de sade? okay, not a poet, but you get my drift.

my brain is filled with randomness! i want to eat nuts and tangerines. also, today i watched benzie's The Caretaker dvd at my place with van, sam, yif and cher. yif and cher were really quite bored by it. it was funny how they were bored. well, i thought that it was ... okay. it obviously doesn't work quite so well as a movie [i haven't seen the play, but the way i imagine it - it would be more effective on stage]. i saw things very differently after watching it get acted out - so many things that are unspoken which need to be SEEN. i mean, that's why sometimes i feel it's quite hard to study plays only off the scripts. so many other things have to be taken into account! and somehow i feel that plays are so much more subjective than novels - because you see the actors interpret it and then you interpret it differently and well. it's like it goes through TWO rounds of interpretation - not to mention the director and the way the set is made and the lighting and so on and so forth! i think if poetry were read in all different sorts of tones, we'd see some of the poems we were studying differently. so, hmm, we'd have to study the tone of voice too! which would make it so complicated. but somehow i feel there's something we're missing by studying all this literature - we can get to it at a certain level by merely studying it off the books but we can never really connect with it unless we see it as it's meant to be [poetry to be read, plays to be acted]. oooh, lack of connection and ability to really get THERE - PINTER! and then pinter makes me think of CLOSER because of all the characters who just try to get close but never actually get THERE. where's 'THERE'? i don't know! i can't even describe what it's like to finally get IN, instead of just being CLOSE.

and then well, like today, the rest thought Aston was portrayed well but i disagreed and i thought it shouldn't have come off that way. and the whole thing about the brothers and Mick being a softy towards Aston - i thought that was interesting. but somehow the DVD sort of skewed my perception. but then i don't think i had much of an opinion on The Caretaker prior to this. i realize i'm just bopping about for most of the lit texts, i don't really have a STRONG opinion about them. or maybe i'm just in a mood and saying this impulsively, since i always seem to have an opinion about everything. hmmm. it's just very cool how you can't see some things reading the script, but only see it after it's acted out - i don't know what that's called, but it is cool.

but there are 239870953875093875 ways of interpreting things! and that's the beauty of it i guess. AMBIGUITY RULES OUR LIVES!

anyway i feel rather guilty for not going for Youth group the past few weeks, my catholic conscience is acting up again. i don't know if i'm really trying to pursue this youth group thing - i'm not sure where i'm going with it. maybe after the A's we'll see, i don't know. i know God doesn't want me to be wishy washy when it comes to this or else he'll just move on to someone else to do His work but i'm really not sure, right now. a lot of the times i think i want it, then i get selfish. help me to help You, God.

and yet there's this fear that i won't change because although God is all powerful and can easily overcome me just like THAT i know there's this thing called freewill which will prevent that and i don't know if i'm subconsciously making choices that are preventing me from changing - or maybe i know but continue anyway. human inertia, i need to overcome this. i'm tired of continually saying i want to change but don't change. it's very frightening, really, this thought of stagnation. i definitely don't want it, but am i doing enough to prevent it? am i letting God help me prevent it? i'm paranoid that i really am not, that i'll be stuck.

am also rather worried about Lit 3 Contexts, because had consultation with champagne recently and it seemed i couldn't say anything that was right. i've always been a stronger essay person than context. maybe i'm just not sensitive to language? that's a terrible thought. i find myself preferring to talk about themes and the bigger picture, rather than imagery, metaphor etc and the little pieces that make it up. but the scary thing is, i've been doing contexts for Lit 3 the whole time now, and to switch to essay now - should i try it out? if i want to do that i have to do it NOW and practice hard. my lit 3 grades have never really improved much whereas with lit 1 i noticed them improving gradually. it's scary, scary, scary. i'm not sure what to do. i think i will write a couple of essays.

what a pensive, weird and random entry.

+ posted by M @ 11:28 PM