finally submitted Chicago EA app online with Dav last night. we were both excited, both apprehensive, as if we were treading on the periphery of something life-changing. well, actually we KNEW it was something life-changing. whether we both get in or we both don't or either of us gets in, i know that result will lead us closer to where we're going and to what we're looking for.

it's all one big search. if only you could send out a search party and a police force to help you look, but the problem is i don't know what i'm looking for either. i'd just end up with a very confused bunch of civil servants and a huge bill. i guess in a way, metaphorically, people do help me edge closer in my search by doing the things they do. action and reaction - all for a purpose. that's kind of why i'm so unhesitant about studying overseas. everyone says they'll miss their family, their nice bed, their room, their friends, their cat, their soap in the bathroom. but i haven't thought of that - because other than the food which i WILL miss, i'm willing to just pack up and go. and besides, in the 9 month long wait, i will be teaching myself how to cook laksa etc to satisfy my cravings once i'm off in be it the UK or the US.

it's not that i don't love everyone here, or i don't love this place. yes i will miss everyone, but it's not going to keep me from going. i haven't felt anything here was that much worth staying for yet. i know i'm searching for something and i'm willing to go all out to find it. and at this point something is telling me i can't stay here. maybe next year when all the admission results to Universities and 'A' Level results come out i'll be made to stay due to not meeting criteria (God forbid! if i do stay i hope it'll be for other reasons), or either way maybe something will crop up to prevent me from going. and i'll accept that, i will be upset, but i will accept it. maybe i can find what i'm looking for here - it's just a matter of time. maybe after going overseas and everything i'll find that what i'm looking for was always right in front of me (as it so often is). but i don't really know that yet, i don't know much yet and i'm waiting to know and i'm searching to know.

things don't come to you without searching for them, even if they were right where you left them and you didn't realize. the search will make you realize it. beauty is never effortless.

God has plans for me. it's hard to lead and connect this all back to God when i've been so self-centred lately. i don't even know how to properly feel that He has a plan, but i'm saying it because i know even though i don't have that much confidence in it yet, it is true.

+ posted by M @ 12:05 PM