full of gloom, doom, unhappiness and self indulgence, approach with caution.

i think lit 8 went okay, but i still feel uneasy.

i did the metaphysical poem (which sounded like the kind of poem you read at funerals). herbert was useful, maybe? but somehow i feel i didn't deal with that question as thoroughly as i could have and should have (ahem, verseform). i'm disappointed with myself. i think i really fell short, really fell fell fall fall fall. actually i'm just in quite a fatalistic mood right now. maybe i'm over reacting?

the drama, on the other hand, was bloody brilliant. it was so ESOTSM-esque to me. i could literally see their thoughts collapsing and slipping and sliding into different events in front of me. it was very vivid, very nice to know that dramatists had experimented with that idea even before film - i'd really like to see how it's done on stage. how they change the sets around the characters. how how how, i want to see it done.

the nice thing about lit 8 is that it presents little jewels of work. after the paper i heard cherlynn gushing about the prose piece. it was by a local writer, but i didn't do it because i stubbornly stuck to poetry. but have really mixed feelings about this paper. frankly, to confess - i am extremely anxious. i somehow feel like when march comes i will be left with a mess of results and my parents will give me the look of disappointment which is enough to kill me inside out.

i don't know if i'm being paranoid. everyone (my parents being everyone) goes, 'if you're getting an A you will FEEL it after the paper'. i haven't gotten that A feeling yet. maybe for some essays i feel i will get an A but not for the PAPER overall. there's always another segment pulling it down (in lit8's case, the poem).

right now, i don't even care about university. i just DONT WANT to see that look in my father's eyes. i know how disappointed he is with me already, how i lead my life, the choices i've made, the grades i've attained and it will really, really, really kill me if that happens with my A level results.

sigh, i hate my life. please, Anxiety, go away.

i've also been trying to think long and hard about where i stand with God right now, and frankly, it is nowhere. some people seem to be really high on God all the time, so trusting, so happy, so sure that God is with them. i can't say i feel that. thinking of the recent confirmands and how happy they are to be confirmed and the security they feel in their faith ... i don't have that anymore. i know i used to feel a fraction of it once (when i was sixteen) - and that was more than enough. it healed everything, it made it all okay, it filled the void. maybe it's something you have to work for, but i seem unable to attain it right now. and i think that is the very main reason for the state of unhappiness i seem to constantly be in, the constant nagging worries and anxieties that are eating me up and slowly killing me. if all is right with God, all will be right with my life. but my relationship with God is a MESS and thus I AM A MESS. i don't know anymore, help? help God, help. i can't do this on my own, i really can't. i need to get You back by my side and i don't know how and it seems i can't and You're just slipping further and further away and i am all alone without You. You are the only One that matters and yet You are the only One i can't seem to attain.

end of story.

+ posted by M @ 6:00 PM