the sands of time. anxious about papers on monday. not excited. should i have done that? i miss you. why is it that the only time i hear from you nowadays is when you tell me how well you are faring without me. i don't need to hear that. why is my phone blinking. maybe i should throw it away. no, it's too expensive. people yelling, clapping. quite scared, wish to be on a caffeine drip all my life.

that was weird. just typed whatever came to mind, as opposed to thinking of things to say. not completely stream of consciousness - oh stream of consciousness! i am suddenly obsessed with the idea. Woolf did it in The Waves and it was so captivating and my friend said, 'hypnotic'. the same technique is used in Schooling (can't remember the author - Heather Mcgowan?) - i need to read it, it's been sitting on my shelf for ages. i have lots of books to read. i said i wouldn't buy any more till i finished off what i owe the book gods (?) but my brother gave me $200 worth of kinokuniya vouchers (!!!) someone gave him for a gift (just because he prefers borders. i prefer borders too, but i'm not stupid. i know money when i see it). it would be a shame not to use it, maybe i'll use it for cookbooks? or a lomo camera thing. or some DVDs. yes, quite excited now.

i think i am too conscious of myself and my thoughts sometimes, and it obstructs a lot of things. i need to learn how to channel stuff. like zen, or something.

anyway i'm feeling slightly better today. i think i was being very emo and scary yesterday because of my period. and it is disgustingly amazing how one can bleed continuously for days without dying - so i guess instead of death it manifests in weird moods.

that doesn't change the fact that i'm searching desperately for God. no, i think that's wrong. i don't think i'm searching hard enough. i want to find him, but i'm not doing things which i should be to find him, and frankly i'm just lost because i have no idea what i should do, how i should do it or whatever. i'm a lost sheep. i think i just expressed myself with a great touch of maudlin and fatalism yesterday. so yes, we can cut out the dramatics, but my situation and position is very much the same.

okay i am just rambling rambling rambling rambling rambling.

mmm. also, the guy from the 'secret' cd shop sounds like quite a fascinating character, from what i hear from dawn. a snobby person who doesn't like people who listen to 'mainstream' music. the thing is, everything is pretty much mainstream nowadays. it's in to be all alternative and angsty and what not, so like it or not, we 'underground' people have other people who want to be fashionable encroaching on our space. i mean, the oc has completely popularized Death Cab. so, well. gosh, i don't know what i'm talking about. i'm rambling. i'll end with this:

adam brody is good stuff. season 1 seth is back and he is GOOD STUFF! yes.

+ posted by M @ 9:54 PM