time has been suspended.

i am under wong kar-wai's spell. i now must watch all his movies or die. watched In The Mood For Love last night. tony leung chiu wai and maggie cheung are the gods of asian cinema. GODS OF ASIAN CINEMA, i'm telling you. i love them.

i've been rather anti-social lately, not going out with people and acting very distant when around them. i've probably offended a few people by acting strangely, but i hope they'll understand somehow. it comes to the point where i get annoyed by hearing myself talk because i talk about such pointless things and i'm so disconnected from myself it seems like i'm observing myself put on a bad impersonation of a person. nothing is adequate nowadays - you can't tell people the truth because really, you don't know it yourself and you'd just be whining, so instead i become some vague character who just talks to fill up the gaps, however unsuccessfully. to sum it all up - life is meaningless, at present, and i am meaningless.

i've become a person of a very solitary nature lately, and am looking forward to spending some time by myself in town next week to reflect on things. just a good coffee, a book, writing materials, my iPod and some walking around Borders and Kinokuniya (where i will spend my $200 voucher, yay). temporary job hunt for the few weeks in dec is also not going well - i'm picky, and the ice cream person from classifieds doesn't pick up her phone. looks like i'll have to make some trips to serene centre or sunset way or something to see if they need any help. i feel like i need a job, i need some sort of daily ritual or i'm going to go mad - i never thought i'd be that sort of person. frankly, so much free time next year does quite scare me now. because the more i'm left to my own devices to think and overthink my issues, the more i will sink into this 'life is meaningless' pit. yet at the same time i don't really want to be around people, so what am i getting at?

i also cannot write because i am constantly morose and depressed. yes, most good writing stems from pensiveness - but being unreasonably happy and moping will NOT make good writing. instead it causes me to just sit on the couch and feel sorry for myself. was uncharacteristically bitter during church mass today, which scared even myself. don't really know what has gotten in to me that is making me so increasingly unhappy.

i must finish (after starting on!) the Incommunicado piece. i really must submit something, just to kick start ... something.

i think i'm a bit too self centered, maybe. notice how many of my paragraphs have started with i? almost all, except for the first line at the top. yet at the same time, i'm being introspective because if i want to be a better person for anyone - i've got to spend time with myself first and stop being so confused, and for lack of a better explanation, discover myself, because i really don't know the first thing about me.

+ posted by M @ 2:48 PM