so nowadays there are so many sites popping up like mushrooms. post secret, its Singapore counterpart, you are beautiful.

some of them are funny and heartwarming and touching ... for awhile. and then when you really think about what's behind these projects it just gets sad. it's so easy to stick random notes on canned fruit in the supermarket, and to stand at the edge of the highway with 'you are beautiful' placards because you're doing all of this from a distance and for people you will probably never know. it's so easy to leave comments telling other people to cheer up about their secrets and telling them to take care because you'll never get to know them and all it takes it just a few lines.

there isn't any long term commitment, there isn't any substance behind all this stuff at all. it's hard as hell to look someone you know in the eye and tell them 'you're beautiful' when you know all their flaws and don't love them that much sometimes when they get you mad. can you say you really mean it when you tell all these other people to take care, that they're beautiful, that they're wonderful? you don't know anything about these people - your words are really empty when it really comes down to crunchtime.

what if you really knew these people that posted these secrets - would you be able to do the same? the sad thing is, they're unable to really talk to people they actually know. that's why this whole post secret thing comes about. everyone is just so bloody lonely even when they're with their friends because they just can't talk to each other. we've got to end up having websites where we tell the world (whom we don't know) our secrets because we're just SO STARVED for a listening ear. the world listens for awhile, the reader looks at the postcard and is momentarily moved ... and then everything just moves on. you're still left with your secret, you still feel lonely. what's the point?

i'm glad that postsecret has helped some people though, to talk to others. i guess i shouldn't be so negative and see that maybe these things help. but i can't help feeling that they reveal something so sad about ourselves - about our loneliness. and it's just too easy. it's too easy to try and comfort people you don't know at all. it's much harder when you've got to really be there for that real person all the time instead of just look at his/her one sentence long secret and respond, never to bring it up again.

EVERYTHING LOOKS PERFECT FROM FAR AWAY. (some ben gibbard wisdom!)

it's only when you've known that person inside out, known all their flaws and accept them and STILL can look them in the eye and tell them they're beautiful - that's when it REALLY means something. that's when it's REAL, when it matters, when it's really just AMAZING! all these website projects are just white noise compared to the REAL personal human touch.

it's always fast fast fast, instant things with us nowadays. quick relief, quick comfort. have we ever really thought about really caring long term for those around us? why can't we just sustain something?

i realize i sound bitter. maybe it's because i feel i've never really had anyone who has stuck around long term. i'm thankful for the brief respites and the random conversations i've had with unexpected people who have helped me out at one point or another, but i wish that they would last. people always leave?

you're right, i need someone i can turn to. don't get me wrong, i'm not depressed or anything. i feel a lot better now. it's just that i realize this really is something missing from my life. sustained relationships, a best friend i can talk to any time, any where. i'm thankful for having many many friends and acquantainces, but sometimes all you need is just one that really is there all the time.

the search for something deeper, as always.

i suppose i'm too demanding. i'm a hard person to live with, what with all my issues and thoughts and ideas. it gets tiring for others, and i feel bad about that. that's a big reason why you normally won't hear me saying how i really feel. i know a lot of people who read this blog and know me personally probably find it rather weird how i can sound utterly depressed yet when i meet them act okay. i just find it hard to really talk to people about things, and if you don't ask i'll rarely talk about it.

i guess i'm just insecure. i think that if i tell people how i really, really feel, that if i tell them how sad i really, really am sometimes - that they'll all leave and never want to deal with me and my screwed up self again. it's a lot easier being around someone without issues, isn't it?

i won't lose faith. because MY GOD WILL NOT LEAVE ME. today, for the first time in a long time, i said a thanksgiving prayer. i realize i've always been asking God for things, i've always been asking 'why?', i've always been struggling every time i pray this year. but finally, today, i realized, i just want to thank Him for what i have right now. because i should have done so a long time ago. i may not have all that i think i need or want, but i know that He will provide and He has provided and that there is always something to be thankful for. there's always something out there. i've just got to keep on going on. Thank You God! really really really, Thank You.

+ posted by M @ 3:52 PM