everyday, now that i work cedele in the day and cake at night - i have this small space of time from 11pm-1am before i go to sleep and life happens all over again. i use this time to eat my dinner, usually. and just sit and relax, albeit in front of the computer.

and most of the time my mother comes in and i'm very, extremely grumpy and gruff towards her because she likes to talk about inconsequential things (to me) which only serve to stress me out when really i just want to relax after working a 12hour day, practically. and then i feel guilty about being grumpy towards her since i haven't seen everyone the whole day so i make an effort to respond to whatever she says ... i try hard not to judge, but really, sometimes i simply can't stand how petty and small-minded some women can be. and sometimes she annoys me by recounting all these events, but she's my mother and i suppose she wants to vent so i have to be accomodating. it's at times like this when i feel like a man, because i simply cannot connect and relate to whatever she is saying about these women.

i think my mother and i will always have that problem. we are just unable to understand each other, always on different wavelengths. i have the idea that my life plays out like a movie and hopefully one day before my wedding day we'll have this massive crying-bonding session, or something ... you know how those things go.

and then she tells me about what's happened at home today and my father and my brother having one of their incredibly stupid miscommunicative blow ups and it's times like these when i am incredibly happy to have worked the whole day. i can't help but feel guilty about not being there to comfort my brother when it happened. sometimes i feel so angry with my father and with the way he deals with things so brashly. i wish i could say it's angst and something i'll grow out of but i never used to be angry, just afraid. and now, i'm just angry most of the time. i try to understand and realize there's a lot of pressure placed on his shoulders, having to support us and all but i really wish we could all be honest with each other for once, without having blowups. i've completely lost the courage to be honest with my parents, particularly my father, and i suppose that's why we're not close at all.

i wish i was closer to all my brothers. it gets me sad sometimes, and everytime i think about the Flowers For Algernon book Edward gave me for my birthday last year i will always tear up. always. it's embarrassing, but true.

typical asian love. i will never understand and care to understand the whole thing about 'saving face' and non-expressiveness. it infuriates me a lot of the time. all these roles we have for ourselves and things we must do and must not do. i suppose it's the same with every other culture, but it just really annoys me! it really, really does. and i feel so stifled, sometimes. but i can't hate it because it's who i am.

whenever i see taitais at cedele, i swear to myself i'll never be one of them. though there are points of time while i'm waitressing that i think, 'oh how nice it would be to never work again' but those are moments of frivolity and really i would never want to be one of them. never.

i'm trying my hardest not to judge, really. i'm sure most of them are perfectly nice people. in fact, i bet a lot of people call my mother a taitai and i get offended because she really does a lot more than sip tea and go shopping - she looks after 6 children. so i'm sure some of them are in that position and as a result i try to be understanding. but i really have a problem with the ones who are rude and picky and whose friends look very uncomfortable being with them because they're obviously trying to fit in with all the superficial 'oh my Gosh i just love the puffy-sleeved style of the latest prada line, but i don't like their skirts' talk.

in fact, most of the taitais that come to cedele AREN'T taitais. true blue taitais won't go to cedele - they'll be found at four seasons hi-tea or something. which makes it even worse because adding 'wannabe' to any label just makes it ... worse.

i think we all have to be more tolerant, including me. during the day i find myself getting so annoyed because i simply cannot fathom why people are SO impatient. they expect spoons to simply appear in my hand the minute they ask for one. they think that anything that doesn't come within ten minutes hasn't been ordered properly. why are we always in such a hurry? and then angry customers who demand for the 'manager' ... i wonder what sort of satisfaction they derive from that. i mean obviously constructive feedback is good, but their motive for doing so is to get someone sacked or something. does it really make them feel better to talk to the manager? i just cannot comprehend this act of doing so. i've never felt compelled to ask for the manager myself to complain about 'service' in my life.

at the end of the day i just see them as being unhappy with themselves and incredibly lonely and having this need to complain to anyone that will listen - which comes in the form of 'your manager'. and i feel sad that there are so many lonely and unhappy people in this world and i wish we could do something about it. and after they leave and i've thought about it i feel like telling them, 'i hope you will be happy' but i don't get to because at that moment itself i'm far too pissed off.

if only everyone were happy and shiny. we'd get along so much better.

i don't really like impatience, partly because i'm rather patient myself, really. wouldn't most of my friends agree with that aspect of my personality at least? it's not that i don't care, or that i'm blur, even though it might come off that way to a lot of people. simply put, i don't like getting angry with people or being unhappy with them. it isn't a nice feeling and it isn't fair to them most of the time. give peace a chance, i say! as you all know.

unfortunately, ever since starting cedele, i've been getting annoyed with people A LOT. it's part of the job. i try my hardest not to but i REALLY do get annoyed with so many customers who are just so rude and impatient.

i hate it when people say, 'you're so inefficient/efficient'. that's something you should say to a machine. why do we always say things like these? sigh.

okay, tired and hungry. going to get dinner now.

+ posted by M @ 12:12 AM