i hate feeling young and ignorant and, well, small. i am so tired of interning and 'helping out'. i want to DO SOMETHING. i feel incredibly trapped by all my commitments now. i am tired of trying not to appear young and ignorant (which i truly am). i am tired of simply feeling like an intern rather than feeling like a real person with ideas and thoughts.

i am my own person. i am my own person. i am my own person. it's just so easy to forget that when you're helping actors run lines, or helping shift this, or helping do time codes for movies, or helping do all this admin stuff. and i know i chose it because i said i wanted to learn things but i feel like i'm losing myself. i feel like that's the only thing i know how to do nowadays - simply be of 'help' and lose all ability to create things of my own. i feel bland and colourless.

maybe after Queen Ping i should really just take a break. i need to seriously start writing again. yh wants to submit a short film for some competition and asks if i could do the screenplay. i have never written a screenplay in my life. all i have are rough sketches and images in my mind which seemingly amount to nothing. in this current state of mind i have zero ideas and zero creativity running through my veins. i think i need to take some time off to do my own stuff. yet will i be motivated enough to create my own art?

sometimes i feel like i'm playing a role, a role of an artist. that i'm just pretending and all this supposed talent or ability i think i have or people tell me i have is just an illusion. that i looked at this and thought it was the best way to act out my life and that's why i'm playing this part. my poetry is written out of this role that i play, and is thus false. why do i feel so unsure of myself now?

argh, i'm so frustrated.

+ posted by M @ 10:50 PM