late, cryptic, emo post that really shouldn't be here

there are times when everything seems to resonate of you. the beatles song i hum absentmindedly, something a friend says, something i read or write. especially times like these when it's late and i used to know that you were awake - you probably are now, but it doesn't matter anymore.

sometimes i wonder, if everyone wore their hearts on their sleeves - would everyone's spell a different name from the person they're with? maybe everyone feels the same way - a need for the person who isn't there.

sometimes, i find the shift a little hard to bear, the shift from having someone to talk to all the time about anything and everything to not hearing from you for weeks on end. i'm still getting used to it, to dealing with things on my own, to feeling alone and displaced after i wake up. i remember once waking up unexpectedly alone and finding it the most horrible feeling in the world until i found a semblance of a note - it felt like a one night stand that never even happened. and for a while i don't notice because i'm busy making myself busy, but really, every person i talk to or see is never an apt replacement for who you were to me. and it's not fair to them but sometimes, i can't help but be aware that they're not you (obviously, obviously, but the heart makes irrational realizations from time to time). i can't help wishing they liked the same music as you do (and i do), that they knew just how to listen like you did, that they could 'remember the time when...'. how does one simply forget all the history, all the skidmarks on the walls, all the ink on my hands and behave as though time has been rewound and erased. how do you behave like a stranger now, how have you become a stranger (when i can't)? things are never going to be the same if i keep trying to replace you. scars need to be left alone so they can fade in peace. i've written more poetry about you than i have anyone else. i've reread the poetry about you more than i've ever bothered to reread my other writing. why do i keep rehashing everything? am i afraid of forgetting? yes, i am. it would be so much easier to move on if i allowed myself to, but i just can't let the past slip. it's as though i feel new memories without you are incapable of being made.

sometimes, it's as though if i don't think about it enough, you never existed. i read things over and over again in order to make sure you were real, to make sure this longing isn't just something i made up, isn't just something i imagined, isn't just self-inflicted. it feels like i'm the only one in the world left with these memories and if i forget, we'd never have happened. with each day that passes, you become less and less real and that scares me.

sometimes i wonder, where are you now? what are you doing? do you remember anything at all? most importantly, are you happy?

sometimes (it's way too early, but) i think : i'm leaving in august and this will be it. we'll never talk again, i'll never see you again. maybe it's for the best?

i've said 'sometimes' way too many times, and now this sounds like a britney spears song gone wrong (and just like the things we used to laugh at).

+ posted by M @ 1:09 AM