'mel being in the industry requires so much patience to plough through mundane paper work and admin, and all those technical bits, for film esp. how are we to endure all THAT?! i'm already tired and there are so many alternatives just staring me in the face. i won't die if i don't lead an artistic creative life. i just want to live and learn, mel. but. there are so many buts!!'

-says carol

so i'm thinking maybe i should just say, 'to hell with interning'. the arts festival is coming up. SIFF is coming up. i don't NEED to be involved and come home dead tired at 12am every night due to rehearsals. i don't need the extra stress of coordinating my waitressing job with intern commitments. i can be comfortably seated at the esplanade or drama centre WATCHING. yeah, maybe i should just study acting in university and become a thespian. maybe i should just not bother until i graduate and write some script and am directing and hiring interns myself. so maybe for now i'm done with interning, done with being neither here nor there and only being part of the creative process in the most mundane way.

and it is not as though i have never done drama rehearsals in my life. maybe i'll just go back to help nj with dramafest if i really feel i have to be involved in something - though i quite doubt i want to live through the rehearsal hell with benzie shouting and everyone being ridiculously tense.

yet I KNOW i will be dissatisfied. i know i will get bored. i knowww i knowww. and worse still, what if i do not create anything?! which, is a very realistic possibility judging from the sort of nonsense poetry i've churned out over the past few years of my life. like carol said, 'in and out of auditions, i've met so many people who just don't make it' and you know what, it's true. that's what we're all scared of. dedicating yourself to a life of art but in the end finding you lack the gift for it - and believe me, it takes a long time to figure that out.

i'm still young, i'm still young, i'm still young. it's something i repeat over and over again in an attempt to get myself to calm down. my excuse is my youth. my age buys me time.

but what's the point of thinking of all this stuff now. i'm just so tired. if the substation still does not reply me, i will think about Queen Ping. if i decide not to do Queen Ping, which, quite frankly, looks dubious, then THAT IS IT. TNS mobile doesn't interest me much either. i know it's more of just experiencing it rather than whether the production interests me ... but you know, i'm picky, okay? so maybe my days as an intern are OVER. I WILL LEARN TO OCCUPY MYSELF WITH OTHER THINGS. too bad if all of you theatre companies wanted to milk the free labour deal - it is not fair to leave a fresh-eyed, idealistic 18 year old girl hanging like that! i am not replying your emails if they come in two weeks after i replied so very enthusiastically.

suddenly i feel like teaching. oh, i have to stop thinking about jobs.

it's really not that far off to august. also, yes, i've decided - i am going to Chicago.

this entry was really unnecessarily verbose.

+ posted by M @ 12:45 AM