'that's you mel. you are like..fuelled and driven by these "ideas". it's as though your ideas make up who you are. but you are so much more than that, so much. and you needn't feel inadequate.'

somehow bea always manages to tell me things i need to hear. and even if other people have said it, it only really gets through when it's coming from her.

i miss nj because i miss seeing bea every other day (i can't say everyday since it's quite clear we were always absent quite frequently) and having her there. i miss taking trips to IKEA after school just to eat the meatballs and chicken wings and us being greedy and wanting to have everything. and even though i only just saw her last week, it feels like such a long time relative to what i've been used to. i miss being with so many people and seeing them and talking to them. i miss daryl! daryl, are you reading this? probably not. and i try to squeeze every drop of warmth i can out of an sms or an msn conversation but it simply doesn't come close.

i realized today i don't want to be known as a fan of 'so-and-so' anymore. at some point when i was talking to alfian and he asked how meeting brian was, was it something to swoon about and i said i'm not the brian fan (i see him every other weeknight), lianghui is and he said oh you're the royston fan and i replied i’m an alfian fan because really i had no idea what else to say and it was at that point that i realized i don't want to be known as a royston fan. or an alfian fan. or an alvin pang 'fan'. or whatever, anymore.

being around alfian or talking to him makes me feel strange and young and ignorant because he’s someone i’ll always associate with my sometimes-juvenile secondary school days when i was even more young and ignorant, i suppose. i sort of freeze up and whoever mel really is melts away and i say things for the sake of proving i have an opinion or that i at least have a brain. he probably has no idea he has such an effect on me and it is pathetic really, but it’s true.

a lot of people i've met have had that effect on me (because obviously i AM young and ignorant as compared to people like Eric and the people i've met at Cake) but with alfian it is just exemplified even more.

but i have to realize i am no longer the girl back in scgs who used to idolize these poets/artists along with shirin and dawn and such and see them as some sort of benchmark and think my writing was never quite there. it doesn't mean i won't admire them, i always will. it doesn't mean i'm going to start thinking i'm the most talented person to ever walk this earth. but i have to stop putting people on pedestals. i need to grow out of it in order to be an artist in my own right, and i think i'm starting to. i just need to sort of toss that image aside now.

i have to develop an ego. i can't be a child anymore. and yet, i don't want to be 19 because it sounds so frightfully old and scary and i don't know why.

i have this great desire to follow someone, anyone i see on the bus or mrt or street (particularly mrt) and see where i end up. people are always keeping things under wraps - it's so awfully intrusive and perhaps scary of me, but i just want to know. i hate the idea of seeing someone every day and yet not knowing a single thing about them. it seems so cold, somehow. it's the relationship i have with practically almost all the people i've met this year. i don't know anything about them, really. and yet i don't want to be intrusive, so how?

after may is over, i don't think i want to work anymore.

i've resolved to be more honest in my posts. i'm making an effort to be, or else all these real thoughts will just escape me and it will be as though nothing real ever happens.

+ posted by M @ 1:08 AM