i've embarked on The Moon and Sixpence and it is ... incredible. it explores all the issues that i've always wanted to see explored, and more.

W. Somerset Maugham is so enriching! in The Summing Up, he writes:

The artist can within certain limits make whatever he likes of his life. In other callings, in medicine for instance or the law, you are free to choose whether you will adopt them or not, but having chosen, you are free no longer. You are bound by the rules of your profession; a standard of conduct is imposed on you. The pattern is predetermined. It is only the artist, and maybe the criminal, who can make his own.

and Maurice Beebe writes:

In both instances ... the hero attains this state only after he has sloughed off the domestic, social, and religious demands imposed upon him by his environment. Narrative development in the typical artist-novel requires that the hero test and reject the claims of love and life, of God, home and country, until nothing is left but his true self and his consecration as artist. Quest for self is the dominant theme of the artist-novel, and because the self is almost always in conflict with society, a closely related theme is the opposition of art to life. The artist-as-hero is usually therefore the artist-as-exile.

i know plenty will disagree and even i don't agree fully with these thoughts, but they're worthy thoughts. like jeremy used to say - the true poets are people who are able to communicate what everyone feels and thinks but can't articulate. a clumsy way of phrasing it i know, but words fail me now and i'm sure you know what i mean.

lately i've been thinking of the way i will live my life. i've got a friend who's moving out of her home, not due to any conflicts with parents or anything, but just to stand on her own two feet. i've got another friend who gives her mother $1000 every time she makes slightly more than that (and the rest, which isn't much, she keeps for personal expenses). neither are experiencing any harsh financial difficulties and are my scgs friends, not people i've met from work. surprising? it's made me re-evaluate the way i should live my life.

i can't leech off my parents forever. here i am, still being like a child, making them pay for my highly expensive US education. if i were going to do medicine or law or business i would be able to promise more or less that i'd make back all that they're spending and thus mathematically, it would be a good investment and worthy expenditure. but i'm going to study literature, theatre, art or film (haven't decided) and artists really don't make much money for the simple reason that they're too busy trying to make art. i realize that's how i'm going to end up living my life. that i might well end up waitressing or teaching to pay the rent because i refuse to take any more from my parents after i graduate. don't get me wrong, it's not that we have a tumultuous relationship and thus i violently refuse to accept help - i just want to be able to survive on my own. i have to be my own person and live my own life eventually. and this is in no way saying i'll 'disown' them, but i just have to be independent, you know what i mean?

at this point, i feel the guilt is worth it. the pangs of guilt i sometimes feel at the incredible expenses i'm chalking up just because of my college eduation - it will all be worth it just to go to uchicago and really really learn how to think (rather than mindlessly memorize and hate studying like so many students here) and experience the life of the mind and absorb ideas and beauty and truth and just be completely enriched with knowledge like i've never been before. i mean, i really CANNOT stay here any longer. i CANNOT. i say CANNOT with utter and complete conviction and seriousness - you know me. it's destructive to my soul and my mind and my very being, HONESTLY.

ok, it's not that i cannot STAY here. i really see myself eventually living here (i really do! although everyone else thinks i will stay in chicago forever) - but i can't imagine myself studying or learning anything here because the education system here is pure rubbish with regards to the arts. i mean, i'm just incredibly incredibly bursting at the seams excited to STUDY and LEARN over there! i'm ready to get my eyes opened, my heart moved and my mind enriched! isn't that just a fantastic feeling?! and i've promised myself i will excel in what i study, i will, because i really LOVE what i'm studying this time.

having children is expensive.

am inspired by carol to make this mini-list with whatever that comes to mind now,

when i've created substantial, beautiful art
when i've written things i am satisfied with, which mean something
when i've written and published my own volumes of poetry and a BOOK!
when i've directed a play and a film
when i've studied art in university (like i've ALWAYS wanted to study art)
when i'm right with God
when i'm able to say that i'm standing on my own two feet and am totally independent
when i am happy with myself and the world in general
when i am happy
when i am less selfish
when all that i love are happy
when i really am in love (i suspect i have never loved before, though i thought i did. but it's always the case with me)
when i have worked with carol, yh, or anyone like-minded i've met in my schooling years on a film or a play
when i have the time to read and watch film and watch plays and be with family and loved ones

my life will be perfect. like she says, 'make a list and post it!' it will make you feel good.

+ posted by M @ 10:19 PM

Comments:

I like what you have to say about W....I have just finished reading his last book, 'The Summing Up'. I have had the book for years, but only now decided to read it through, so that I could learn what he knows of writing, and Art. I think The Moon and Sixpence was very important to me when I read it at 16...thanks to your description of it in this post, I aim to read it again. Thanks!

# posted by  Juan Gabriel Llorca : Sunday, May 28, 2006 3:06:00 PM

 

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