more than one person has asked me lately, 'are you sure you really want to go away?'

out of concern, i guess. these are the people who know me more intimately. when i say, 'yes, it's really something i have to do', no one is really convinced. they try to talk me out of it, citing tons of reasons.

i have thought carefully about it. the loneliness, the homesickness, etc. i'm not in denial here. i know that i most probably WILL be lonely. i WILL be homesick. i CAN picture myself going through one of my depressed periods where i just want to hibernate for a few months. i'm not naive, i know there's a possibility i could end up with zero-friends, zero-people i can turn to. i know some people do this, but i don't - fantasize about going there and meeting version 2.0s of all my friends here or finding some foreign blonde boyfriend immediately (for the record, i don't even like blondes). i have thought of all the worst possible things that can happen, because, well ain't i just little miss optimistic? but loneliness is something people deal with everywhere, wherever they may be. it's not a strong enough reason to make me stay. i've been throwing myself into a whole bunch of random gigs this year to prepare myself in some small way for the world out there. relationships and friendships in the working world are transient - people walk in and out the door faster than you can say 'bye'.

everyone says, 'you're going to miss your family. you're going to truly start appreciating the way things used to be. you're going to start appreciating singapore' and so on. i don't need anymore lectures. i know i'm going to miss things, i'm going to regret some things, etc etc. but i have to go there myself to find out - no point telling me about it because Conrad's right - we live as we dream, alone. i've got to experience this for myself. and if it means buying cans of mace and pepper spray, i guess that's what i'll have to do.

my strongest reason for going away isn't because i hate this place. i don't hate singapore. i might grumble about the weather, the government, the people. but at the end of the day - i love the food and i love the idiosyncracies of this country. i might not be able to call it 'home' convincingly like they do on national day, but i know this place does mean something to me. the late night stingray suppers, one-dollar ice creams, getting from antique little india to the city in less than half an hour, not having to ever worry about winterwear. i'm not leaving because i want to run away from my family, either. i'm happy with them, despite our conflicts and squabbles.

as i've so often said before (and i really, really honest-to-God mean this) i'm leaving for a better education which i know i definitely will not be able to get here. yes, i'm leaving because i really want to learn things. this place has never given me enough opportunities to grow academically, i feel. i've never truly felt myself in this system. it's stifling, it's suffocating. i know it sounds demanding - why do i demand opportunities, shouldn't i make my own? but the fact is, i'm not ready to stand on my own. at this point, i'm not so individualistic that i can take being thrown into NUS lit faculty with crappy classmates (mostly only there because they've no other option) and teachers and not getting broken. i like people. i like hearing what they have to say, i like learning from them. i want to be in a class where every single person is there because they WANT to know about Donne or Shakespeare or Beckett, not because they barely passed their A Levels and the NUS Lit degree was the only one they could qualify for. i need to be around people which provide intellectually-stimulating opinions, vibrant classroom discussions and all those things you always dream about when you think about College in America. and it would be completely pointless if i were going to some random school in the states (where i'm sure they're almost as disinterested as the students i just described above) but i'm going to Chicago, a school that believes in 'the life of the mind'. the students talk about sometimes-weird things on their lj community and sometimes take themselves a little too seriously, but i like it.

i need to go away, and i need to want to come back on my own accord and noone else's. i need to live my own life and be my own person. i think that's incredibly important. at this stage in our lives, we're all getting ready to be the people we are on our own and not because of anyone else. we have to do this ourselves. it's called 'coming-of-age'.

i have to finally become a story i want to tell, a story that i'm sure of, and not something that just pops into my head in dribs and drabs.

and the truth is, i am scared. i can't say i'm not. it boils down to little fears even, that in the end we'll all just completely drift apart because of the different directions our lives are heading. i can imagine feeling left out once local U orientation starts for everyone and they're making 'new friends' and all excited about 'new friends'. it'll probably be like jc1 orientation again, so much so that people might forget to send me off, forget that in a month i'll be gone for four years, forget that i exist even. everyone will be swapping stories of Uni and i'll be completely unable to relate. but it's inevitable. i'll admit to all of these insecurities and embarrassingly juvenile fears. bea's leaving next week and starting school for herself soon, and i know i'm going to miss her terribly. all the different places we're heading seems to further cement how apart our lives will be. but at the end of it all, i have faith that things will be ok because God will make it ok. and i know that in the end, it's totally going to be worth it. and the people that will stay, will stay. even when i leave.

+ posted by M @ 12:10 PM